a long slow death

After the MONTHS of telling THEM (whoever it is) that I AM willing and that I WILL go for counselling, therapist or to the phiscologist...

only NOW do we see some sort of developement. I finally have an appointment booked for the 9th of February. Well way over the time I've expected to wait. I think I will either not want to go by then or just loose so much that addmitance will be needed.

I hope I dont get any uglier. Seems like the skinnier I get the uglier I become -__-
So I was told, by many.

But I've dropped enough weight! I'm getting weaker by the day.
Standing at 43kgs...my lowest ever yet....


This reminds me of the game we used to play in school when we were kids; limbo rock...

HOW LOW CAN YOU GO?!?

a slow decay

It's been awhil since I've last logged onto either of my blogs. I've lost interest in life as a whole at soe point I guess. Maybe I just lost passion for it bit by bit. There are things I realise I don't want to do or bother with anymore. Things like; listening to good music, watching good TV , treating myself to really GOOD food, sleeping leisurely, coming online to keep in touch with the rest of the world, go shopping for the entire day, wasting time with my best friend....

I used to work at it, make an effort...

The thinner I get the less an effort I put into life. Now, all little enery that i have is put and focused into college and trying to ..well, be a good girlfriend. Still I think I'm not very good at either.

I think I've made my shell harder than I realise..and the closer he gets the harder it is for me..I think I feel like I will loose him if he got any closer. I want to let him in but have too many expectations, too many mind blocks. I think I'm too proud. I think I don't deserve him. I think...I think I'm guilty of being selfish and I think I don't trust enough. I think I'm confused.

I think the main problem is; I'm insecure. About everything.
I'm insecure about the way i look. My studies. My success in life. The way I look. The way people look at me.

I'm insecure in me. Which makes me insecure in you.
Which in turen makes me insecure in us.
WHich is bad.
Cus...I'm making trouble -__-



I just wanna lay low and sit quietly in a corner of a lush garden, hidden behind big beautiful leaves and heliconea flowers, big bunch of lilies in a tall clear glass set in the middle of the garden table. curled up and bundled in a fleece blanket on a cold sunny morning, clutching my tall glass of freshly crushed chilled juice. My pet snuggled tightly curled up on my lap..I think a cat =) or maybe a lil lil pup =)

sigh

the thought makes me happy ...
if only I was..