Now what?

What happens when it comes down to this?

My ED is out of control. Its taken control of me.
The boyfriend is busy at work; I cannot blame him for which.
And the parents are oblivious to the situation as much.

I'm feeling very insecure and more so fragile; now more than ever.
I burst into lil fits of tears and think I'm gonna die. Well, I feel like I want to at that moment. And somtimes it lasts for long periods, sometimes not so long. But it's been happening more and more. And what's SCARIEST is the constant worry that the boyfriend will leave me one day because of this.

And it sure as hell does not help that the ex of the boyfriend is looking pretty hot. He might begin to crave the comfort of what he used to have, such freedom of the mind without a burden. @__@

I think I'm going insane. It's not my place to judge nor is it my right to mistrust the boyfriend. He's not done anything to gain nor loose the trust. Its indifferent still. One day he surely will get tired of my ever changing moods, unexpected bursts and uncontrolable insanity.

I just don't understand how or why he would stay for long if it's going to take almost forever to make me wake up from this disaster? He say's because he loves me. Great. I love that fact, but still I cannot comprehend. I don't think I can. I don't know how to let anyone love me, not till I begin to love myself. This; so I was told. The harsh reality is that.

Not only is this idiocy taking a toll on my body, but my mind too. I cannot even to being express the fear I have in me. One thing's for sure; I fear being lonely and I hate loosing. So; childish as this may seem. Stupid as it may be. This is the unfortunate truth of my very warped thinking :

If I became the hottest/most beautiful/prettiest/most desirable; he'll never have to look at another girl. And I have to; because its my job to, make sure that I do not loose to the ex or his past flames and interests.

But when will tihis all stop?
I would like to know. Because its getting scarier and scarier. How long more can I hide this from mom and dad. Soon they will realise "No shes not vomiting cus shes pregnant or having a diarreah cus of the chilli and curry." Its impossible. And soon mom will also realise that "Oh its not her smoking that made her get the headaches etc etc; cus she's stopped.." They WILL begin to question. But will they do anything? I doubt. AND secretely inside, I feel reliefed.

And as I lay on the couch cryingvI thought to myself; "What if someone was daring enough to take it up to my parents and point it out to them?''

Will I go mad? A little I think. BUt somewhere inside inside inside inside inside...deep deep down..I think ONE cell said, YES PLEASE DO TELL THEM. And the rest of my body, mind and soul is fighting that.

Most of the time I think I want to push the limits and let it get soooo bad; just so I could punish someone. And myself for the lack of determination. Or to make the sickness worth its while. Because...whats the point of having a disorder if its not bad enought to get hospitilized right? What would people say? "She was just playing around and fooling us all for the attention." Probably would happen that way. Crazy as it seems, I do wonder how it feels lke to be hospitilized and forced to get well.

*sigh*

I think I've got ED-Brain Diarrea. I shouldn't even be typing this out. I hope I can trust YOU enough to keep this to yourself for as long as you can. Till I'm nearly broken. Sorry =(

Of a confused mind...

If I can feel, why can't I cry it all out?

Too cold, too numb, too broken.

It's not the time of the month where my period comes; oh wait, I don't know when it'll come. Its screwed.

I'm not depressed; oh wait, maybe that's the dryness in my mouth.

I'm not sucidal. I certainaly am not.

Maybe I'm bored with life? But how could it be? I've got so many dreams; so much to achieve; so much to see; so much to do..kids to have =l *blink*

No, life is full of things to do and be joyous about. There too much beauty in it to give up now. Too much effort and strength I've put in to pull out now.

I'm just very lonely.

I'm alone. And lonely.

I especially cannot handle being the only one left at home when all mom and dad does it argue about bits and pieces, talk bout investment, discuss Joy and Jason, B&P Ministires...and everything else under the bleeding sun and moon. Yet have no time to actually get to know the daughter they lost years ago.

piew!!!

I should go get my license!

I should also STOP saying "I should" and just get it done.

Then that way I can do whatever I want, whenever I want and go wherever I want when it suits me and pleases me. And I will never have to listen to mom complain about the jam and then sleep for hours on end, only to wake up to play her Soduko or talk about Jason-whom-she-cannot-live-without.

Neither do I ever have to listen to dad say things like "Mom fetch you ah?Wahhhhhhh."

errrr...I can't drive? Duh Mom fetched me.

And all that other irritating things they like to say and complain about.

And assumptions...oh those assumptions.

I bet mom thought I was "down" last night cause I Jeremy didn't make it to come play lentern with me. I SWEAR she thought that. In actual fact I was trying to pull a straight face to not die from those missed heart beats and that sharp pain in my belly and the tight chest. Oh for crying out loud; I was pratically gasping for bloody oxygen!!

Ugh.

I think I have alot of bitterness, anger and hurt inside I need to rid myself of.

I need to unstone this heart perhaps?

Soon one day.

Hopefully.

Oh Lord!! Oh Lord??

If kingdoms bown down and prise Your name. Sing worship to You. Pray in power and faith to You.


And if kingdoms turn to see; Your love is the greatest gift of all and ALL and ONLY love they can depend on;
WHY can't ONE small person such as I turn to see that?

That Your love is ALL I should ever depend on?
Ever.

..................................................................................................................................................................

Trails of disappointment.
Disappointment after after disappointment.

What they say is not what they mean and yet somehow I blindly chose to believe.
Or am I just paranoid?
SOmehow I believe I am NOT. Not THIS time.

I am worried sick and I haven't an escape from this Eating Disorder.
I am SICK SICK SICK of being SICK!
What is life in living a life full of worries and pain?
I can't put in a thing without thinking "Oh God I've sinned!"
Or if I decided I'll be good and eat NORMALLY; I'd take so many pills I can't breathe. Or end up vomiting the next day. Or Worrying I'll drop cold out due to irregular heart beats. Or black out walking up the stairs or in the hot shower.
Or even if I had a normal meal and not take those pills...I'll be worried sick of its aftermath.

I'm beginning to worry. If I may please be ALLOWED to worry. Or need I ask permission from those around me????

I never fear it this much until now.
My period has come as and when it pleased the last four times.
I am ALWAYS ut of breath.
My chest is constantly hurting.
And I always miss a heart beat or have my heart beating too fast.

My heart is not focuse on anything anymore and I've frankly lost interest in life as a whole. I'm just too tired to care.
Tonight I feel this deep urge inside of me, waiting to ball out. I want to cry and let loose my fears.
But who's there to catch it? Noone. Noone I thought can depend on.

But God is always there ready to hold me close...so why can't I get near?
I know I must and I know its m only answer.
Do I have to give up much more?
I don't know.


I don't know much.
I just know I'm too ashamed to draw near to You.
But Lord I need help so very desperately.
PLEASE hold me while I cry myself dry tonight??? Its been too long away.

.
..
...

I feel weird talking to God like this.
I guess its the only way to sum up this mixed feelings I've had.
So much to say, so little words to put it together.
So much emotions, so little energy to show it.

I need sleep. A good one.

50 cents worth my money......

RM2.50 for a bowl of beehoon soup.

Comes with 2 small fishballs, a few strips of fried foo chok, some shreded chicken and lots of taugae(YUM!).
Best part is; the HOT soup!!! bloody perfect.

But RM2.50 for that is so not worth MY money! I only consume 50 cents worth of it!!! which consist of 98% soup! lol

oh well................

I think I'm going insane. My ass feels....weird. Tight! And it sure hurts to sit.ESPECIALLY when I cross my legs! Its like as if the buttocks skin is being pulled tightly around my ass bones...if asses have bones. Its just stranious. ANd it hurts bad.

Oh Holy mother of Mary! I feel like I'm gonna puke now............

Maybe my 50 cents should have stretched...or...not spend it at all in the first place?
Oh God KNOWS how much I suffer!
My poor ass!

lol.

Thoughts that Destory

Thursday and Friday were absolute hell and pleasure all at the same time. Hell first then comes the pleasure.
But Saturday and Sunday was aroad of Pleasure and then Hell...pleasure first and the hell.

The days leading up to Thursday and Friday I was consuming so much pills I nearly puked and shit my insides out. But I woke up satisfied with the caved stomache I had staring back at me in the hard cold mirror. Nothing can bring that feeling of pure satisfaction. NOTHING!

Then Saturday and Sunday were good bacause I did not take the pils. I had Jeremy and food and good times with him. I even had good times with my colleagus and at KimBoon's wedding etc. I had KFC, the wedding lunch and Dominos in ONE day =)...Now I feel bloated and fat and bit expand-ed at the mid-driff. But was it worth while? Yes!

But Now I want to loose MORE weight than ever before....

is that mad? I hope not. Cause even though the weighing scales told me I was 45kgs that past two mornings of my caved in tummy, I sure don't look like a 45kg's to me. I sure don't!


I look as bad as a girl with 70 bloody heavy kg's on a small frame.

THAT you would call a fat ass sucker...and I look like one!
OH MAN!
DISASTEROUS!

.............................................................Pioowwwwwwwwwww*******

Side Step Fears

This I found, got me thinking.
Abit more than normal.
But will I change even for this fear???
Or did I side step my fears AGAIN and went around it and thought that adopting would solve all my problems?

I know I must be wrong somewhere in the line of thinking.

Add that missing link; someone, anyone!

For The Sake of Insecurities?

ok so on normal days I try eat like this............ if i could and survive the aches AND work AND pretending to be ok in front of them parents...










but I know better than that cause my body is getting skinnier and skinnier...I feel it in the bed.
I sleep on one side and have the need to roll over to the other side.
Soon enough the sores get to that side too, and I roll over again.
When I can take it no more I lie on my back...but THAT hurts to..
so I try to lie on my chest.
By then, I'm exhausted and my insides would have gotten enough exercise to allow my bowel movements to begin.

So I go sit on the throne and excavate my entire beings out...ugh...and THAT takes a good...30 minutes to an hour.....
Then It's back to bed rolling.
No wonder my body gave in the last two days.
















Then I go examine my body.
Stark naked in front of the mirror...
Early in the morning.
I see my hip bones jutting out without me even trying anymore;
and I am glad!
and I feel relifed..
and I feel the overwhelming sense of achievement...as painful as the process had been and as much sufering I had to endure, it somehow feels...

WORTH IT........ ???? does it?











AT 45kgs, I scare myself and the kind of joy I pleasure myself in.
I worry.

I cannot concentrate, my eyes don't focus on anything for more than a minute, my eye bags constantly burn burn burnnnn....
My brain feels like as if it's being squeezed of its juices, I feel aloof, floaty and all dreamy...
My bones crack like an old woman's, I get sharp pains like as if getting arthiritist, I go numb if I don't move a limb for a minute....
My heart rate goes up by 10 notches if I stood up, walked over to the table and picked up the newspaper.....
I am out of breath after climbing the flight of stairs at home...it's worse if I'd just eaten or am carrying something...
I am constantly getting gastric, and savoury cravings....


and there's more...


I've even finally lost count of my pains and problems.
I think I bore them all to hell when I tell them bout it.

I've quit smoking cause I'm too weak to take the dizziness.


Oh heavens on earth...

At 45kgs, I thought I'd finally be happy...but ...
I still think I'm just too big.
I just want to be thinner.
MUCH MUCH THINNER>

And I know I've made so many promises about getting well,
but secretly inside me,
deep down,
I dare not..

I JUST WANT TO GET THINNER!

Wrong Pills or Wrong Dosage?

WELLLL...

to begin with, these pills aren't even herb based. All drugs. What do I expect right? So I feel myself shitting out things I've consumed, like as if I have diorreah after eating at the dirtiest mamak around town. Funny thing is, it's all so liquid. That means, all the electrolytes, salts and nutrients comes out at the same time. So I am getting weaker and weaker. Which is BAD. I need to slow down on the pill intake; BIG TIME!

So, that's what I did after that rojak-vomiting incident. And today I took merely 5 pills. A vast improvement from 10 or 20 pills. Yet, after lunch of just a bowl of "pan mee" , which of course I only consumed the soup and "liew", I had the most unpleasent series of burping! And THEN, the volcanic eruption of fake vomit came! Dammit I hate that. I rather just vomit straight!

Anyway, I sat there thinking; "NO!!I will not vomit today, I want to get well so keep it in. It was just so minimal I ate!" And here I was so desperately wanting to get well and keeping my food in, but defy logic, I HAD to vomit. So I gather myself up and everything; now this is beyond even me when I want to vomit, and went to the toilet and shoved my fingers down my throat. I am beyond what happened today. How can it be that FIVE pills, without even a Xenical mind you! I feel so pissed.

Things are never 100% the way you want it.

BEACOLUX is a drug based laxative : doesn't smell, small and in a bottle for easy access.
SENOKAT (or whatever the spelling) is a herb based laxative : smells, bigger and in the plastic cases; have to press out one by one.

Best thing bout the drug is; its cheaper. So that's where all my money have been going. I think I should go back to taking the herb, it doesn't make me vomit!!!! @_@

But so..what's worse? BEACOLUX or SENOKAT? jeez.....I like BEACOLUX cause I shit more out? Makes me thinner, faster....BUT I cannot take the vomiting!!!!! And God knows how much more I have to suffer! I have 4 MORE full bottles of 'em! Good grcious, I will be a STICK by the end of it all!

*sigh*


Still can't comprehend! All I ate was FRUITS and the Pan Mee SOUP! People who don't know about the pills say that my body system is too used to not consuming that I can stand a day without food and not feel hungry! And that the minute I put anything IN the system will tell the body to make it go OUT!

Now I feel so neausated I am scared of the pills. I just know that when I feel better I will go and let my fucking itchy fingers grab that little bottle and pop a few of those orange things that are killing me! *sigh*

If only I had the determination like I THINK I have.

I want to die right now. Period.

Used Goods?

So how do I put this into words without sounding like a slut?

Well...ok so I spent more money today; all on Jeremy. Not that I mind spending the money, really I don't.
It's just that;

If you really want/need the sex, could it not be like as if I'm nothing more than a vagina to you?

Ok, so maybe you didn't intend for it to be like that. Still......U oack up and leave just in a flash. Oh God. Could you make me feel anymore

USED?
DIRT-LIKE?
SLUT?

*sigh*

I guess this is some of the little prices I have to pay for dating a boy in a production house? Always busy, always rushing, always last minute.
But a little bit more respect please thank you!

And so it is....

And soo...IT is..

Yesterday I was itchy and went had some Singapore rojak. At about 2ish. At about 6ish; I was waiting for mom to come get me and I, being the little piggy that I ma, had a little bit more of that SIngapore rojak, which at that time seemed so tempting and delicious.

The crispy prawn fritter.
The fried white tofu.
The chewy big succelent squid.
And the spicy oily peanut sauce; much like satay sauce.

I felt 'syok' beyon belief!
But by dinner time, I got greedy. I had some chicken wings and a lil bit of Jawa Mee. Little did I know, I would feel soo bloodycrappy!
At 8is, we got back and I was sitting on the sofa, my feet firmly stuck into the Ogawa (or is it the iPamper, whatever). I had it go for a few rounds until I had to switch it off because I started to feel like a pregnant woman with morning sickness. And not being a usual consumer, I felt bloody sleepy, mind you I don't usually eat this much!
My body tilted to the side and my head slided to my shoulder, which later caused a massive neck ache.
But WHO CARE bout the bloody neck ache when all I could think of is, "I feel like vomiting, not because I want to go vomit but because I feel neauseated!"

Not normal. Very adnormal!

I dragged my fat ass off to bed and plopped myself AND my white bag down onto my bed. I don't usually fall asleep without a shower cause I believe in hygene and cleaniness. But this night, I couldn't fight the gravity pulling me towards the bed. I feel right down into the fresh sheets, my face and belly facing the bed. Lying the wrong direction, in desperate attempt to make sure I wake and take a shower "soon". At 10 p.m.; a vibrating object on my left woke me in a jolt. It was Josh. The Chay! He absolutely made my day; as crappy as I felt, he asked me for a favour. What a sweet little boy like him could ask for? He wanted cupcakes for his friend's coming back, on Thursday. After that pleasent surprise, I pulled my fucking fat ass off the bed and took the fastest shower in history. I soaped myself twice, somehow I thought I could wash off the oily grimy feeling. WRONG! oh poopers!

I dried myself and fell right into bed, this time the right way round, but totally in the nude =) finally, a bit of comfort!My period came and left in a matter of a couple of days, so no worries of staining nor bleeding or leakage or whatever the heck that comes with the blood! I ruffled my bed spread and curled up to the exact spot and fell asleep, I dare not say "fell fast asleep" as my sleep was well disturbed last night.

All the time I had my stomach churning. And churning. And churning!!! And in the midts of all that churning, I tried to distrach myself by replying Jeremy's texts. Poor baby was still at work!!!!! O_O

He left office at nearly 3 a.m. and did he usual; he rung me! My sweet little boy. But half way through; a huge lup of air escaped my belly and out it came from my mouth. A sour metal taste reached the back of my jaws, and thats when I knew. It was coming. I scurried to the toilet and stood above my toilet bowl, only to my dismay to find nothing. I went back to bed and apologized to Jeremy for such a sudden cut off on the phone. He rung back and I had an agonizing time on the phone! I swear I tried my best! Sorry baby!

By 3 aomething, obviously Jeremy had to sleep, so I rested my head and let my eye lids close tightly shut. Minutes later, that AWFUL shour metal taste came back and I ran to the toilet, panic!!!

OUT CAME A WONDERFUL WOOOOSHHHH OF VOMIT!
Smelly to the word; VOMIT!
My eitire consumption from morning till night came out of me I swear. I nearly choked!
I've not vomited like a normal human for the past 5 years.....always purging myself.
So this time was a horrible experience!!!!

Oh God! Oh God! Oh God!

I need to stop taking laxatives!
Because; last night I found out, not only does it make me ahit like fuck and escevates me of everything including liquids, it also makes me vomit!


DAMMIT!!!


I'm screwed.
-___-

pathetic me?

i think so.

I think I've not been fair to Jeremy. I know he's been super busy; and for me to demand more from him? I think I'm just not understanding enough?

But what can I say?

He used to give me all the time he could, no matter how busy he would be. Ok...maybe that was when he was excited bout us? Maybe the excitement has died out for him too? Or MAYBE he just is way busy the way he says he is???

WHY CAN'T I UNDERSTAND?

I love him to bits...I do.
*should stop saying that; I might think I'm persuading myself to be in love*
I know I love him; no questions about THAT!

I just worry..I sure am a worrier.
But blame me not for worrying I'll loose one I love so much? And I'm too screwed in the head to see that all I'm doing is ruining it all!!!


eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee


I must get a life. I must bake more and learn to drive. Maybe get a second job! Yes! That might be good; especially for my bank account!
*kaaaaaaaaa ccchHHHIIINNGGGG!!!*

$$$$$$

ohh the joys that money can buy me. the lil joys!
haha ok so that should NOT be my goal...but...for now
moeny sure can buy me a smile!

=)

PhD. I'd say!!!

i have a sudden need for emotional diarreah. ok well...not sudden. Its been awhile now. I need a better way to unload all this crap off me, cause of late;

I'm so *goddammit* too damn fucking busy being ED's girlfriend; I forgot how to be Jeremy's girlfriend.

I'm ashamed and downright guilty of foul play! I swear I don't mean it..but how can I help myself anymore? I was and have been busy making a life with ED was before I even knew Jeremy's existance! Oh Lord! How can I erase a past of FIVE whole years and try replace it with a mere 2 to 3 months?

I'm sad. Deep within I want to be without ED. I want to get rid of ED.
I just want to be well and healthy, build a future. A real one, not just a dream.

EVERYDAY poor Jeremy has to listen to me complain bout my aches. But..I really am in pain.
I think I should see another counsellor???

A counsellor needs minimun PhD. qualifications to become one. Which means, they study approximately 10 years. Then for the rest of their sorry ass life, they give physactratic treatments to well....basically....Physcos?

In the course of the past 2 years, minus this one, I've seen a total of 5 counsellors and one demon deliver aka pastor. haha.
It must be why I'm more mad than before? I finally understand why people joke and say that a PhD. holder has a Permenant Head Damage. In this case..its well and proved to be truer than true =l bugger it...

my last resort

So I guess this is how it feels like to be in a relationship again. I cannot blog on my usual blog and I sure need a hell lots of unloading to do. So where else but here. This should do for now.

FInally the initial stage of over excitement and fluttery feelings of a spanking brand new relationship is over. Well maybe just for me. I don't know how Jeremy feels about it. I think I have lost my touch in just KNOWING how someone feels. Or is it just that he is my boyfriend that I get a little more anxious and try not to judge it? I am guessing that it is the latter however.

I won't say I am not excited or not happy that I am with him. Nor do I mean that I want out or anything of such. I just wonder...why somedays i feel like I don't belong???

I can't even gather my toughts on this matter thats bugging me all over; left right, up down and center.

This is spastic, but i need to.

I think I don't know how to love anymore. I am unsure. Although I may DO alot for him and put in hell alot of effort, and on top of it all, decided that I should be his mating partner, I don't know if inside me, in the depts of my heart; if I know how to love. Maybe I'm just impatient. Only time can answer all my questions. But I guess I don't want to waste time? I want to date the fella I'm to marry? *smacks head*

Oh God! Could it be ANY harder? I am already at that age....where if I do not really begin to plan or make firm decisions, I will end up with a too ordinary life. One that is way lacking of my potential and talents God blessed me with.

In all honesty; sometimes I worry that Jeremy is not what I'm suited for. Our lifes are so different. And such great and vast comparisons in our upbringing. Is it just trials on us or is it just not the one? I think I'm beginning to sound silly; but did mom&dad ever DOUBT, the entire time they dated? How did thay know from the start that they were meant for each other? Oh bugger it!


What's WORSE and MOST CHILDISH that I'm encountering now in this relationship is some kind of weird child-lik emotions. Some thing people grow out of, but I have not. I experience pangs of EVIL and much HATED feelings of JEALOUSY!

Pure 100% GREEN ENVY!

Of WHO? Now this part is going to sound so fucking dumb I am ashamed of myself.
Of who? Of Everyone else who gets his FREE time other than ME.
Family not included..cause family is important and I do love the fact that he takes care of his family well.

Other than that...its just every small lil shit ass thing that I will curl up and fuck myself in the head.
The feeling of insecurity and "what if's"..........

To make matters worse..mom&dad ain't helpin one bit. But THAT'S another whole story on its own.





bottomline is...

I love Jeremy very much. I don't want to loose him either. And if I ever did..I think I'll be spinster for life.
But God please help me!