theToilet; my second home

Much of last night was spent of my bathroom floor. I woke to the rumbling of my tummy. The rumble was thunderous!!! And the PAIN; was horrible. I thought I was going to die of stomach acid. And I swear its not the usual as it is getting worse and worse as the nights pass. Its not one of those nights where I woke up twice to vomit. It was a whole new episode of waking up and sitting on the toilet bowl as bowels loosen for a split second and then suffer episode after episodes of stomach aches, like acid wash. And then I have to clench my tummy as hard as my weak fingers can for as long as until the acid leaves. Its getting quite unberable I must say; as I clutch my stomache,beads of sweat break out over my forehaed and slowly my whole face starts sweating profusely, like a leaking pipe!! On days when my "episodes" come right after dinner or before I take my shower, my make up for the day will melt and I will rub my fingers all over my face, smudging my eye-liner and mascara. Looks a tad goth..haha..But that's beside the point. Last night I realise that; it's true, spicy food, although I crave it like mad, is not what my body can really take! I ate left over rendang from my farewell lunch which I had brought home, with wite rice. Its best consumed that way. Not only was it spicy but it was wayyy too oily, which of course did not agree with my body! 2 minutes into my last spoon on rice; yes I was on a small binge, God knows why! ; I started to feel the intense burn! All over my body I was feeling very uncomfortable, like little tiny ants biting my flesh off bit by bit. I couldn't even sit straight or stand up. So, Emmy Award winner Jody Wong acted quite the prize fetching scene of being overly tired and exhausted from a long day's work. Got Jason to un-do the ice-cubes for me to make my ice water. Good combanition don't you reckon? A recipie for disaster! I wobbled up the stairs, hands clutching the banaister. Finally making it to my room with a racing heart, face almost wet, I flopped into bed; breathless.

dramatic eh?

Well, that's how it has been for awhile now. And I do give out alot of intestine mucos, which is a sigh of laxative abuse. Way too much by now!!! I need the doctor's help; NOW!!!

I'm going to die, if not. am forever breathless. Weak-hearted. And worst of ALL them is; I'm so teary! And wanting to cry! I'm not so emotionally weak and troubled. I am not so silly billy over small unreasonable things. I just need to cry, but WHY? I know not! I just don't want to feel so WEEPY all the time and be a cry baby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Dammit!

I wonder how many more long nights I will spend on my toilet floor asleep with the cold tiles pressing against my face. I wonder how long more I will wake up to fine that the entire right side of my body is sore from the hard floor and my skin has deep indents of the mat I have slept on. And I wonder how long more I will have to wake up with a throbbing head, half bruised from the weight of my skull on the cold cold floor. I want to get well dammit, I do. But the fear is making me go insane. Im procrastinating like fuck, I delaying is as much as I can. And the "best" part is, mom and dad doesn't have a word to say. They say nothing; not a word of encouragement whatsoever. Mom nags a little bit bout the things she need not nag about though =__= but thatsw what moms are for sometimes I guess. hmm...

I will do something about it soon enough...Hopefully before I have my first faint. And if I do faint, hopefully its not in my second home haha..that would be bad as!!!

disappointments again

*SIGH*


*sugh*sigh*sigh*

I have decided that it is finally time I try get some help. As much as I HATE the thought of it; of getting fat and ugly, the thought of getting rid of my only true faithful "friend". I don't know if I will ever fully recover as it is only getting worse and worse as time pass. The only thing on my mind is getting skinnier and skinnier. Nothng comes close to the amount of time I spend training myself to be a discipline eater. Starving myself for as long as I can. And then rewarding myself by indulging in tiny amount of things I like to eat. Sometimes I get overboard I screw it up so bad I either make myself vomit and then take pills..or take enough pills to make me purge. SOme days my body just..rejects everything and I vomit unvoluntary. Those are most satisfying but the freakiest freak-shows of them all. I take pleasure in the "weight" lifted off me althhough it hurts. Nothings seems to calm me like it does. And although it hurts like hell, I can't give it up..When I try, it hurts more..

Confused as I am, and as willing as I am to go on loosing weight till I become 40kgs ...

The only thing making me do this; counselling, is the very mtter of life and death. I made a agreemet with Jeremy not too long ago. Promising him that I will slowly recover on my own, with his support and help in the next year to come, and if that fails only then will I seek professional help. However, my irregular heartbeats, my constant dizziness, my faint body, my breathlessness, my tight hurting chest, my weak hands and feet, my burning stomach, my non-stop tummy aches, my dry eyes and skin, my muggy head, my unfocused mind, my lost of memory, my inability to digest, my panic attacks, my tantrums, my moods swings, my period havocs, my chipping nails, my loosing hair, my skin problems....

My NEVER-ENDING story of problems cause by this five year long obsession.

I need help and I cannot deny myself of it anymore. I owe it to the people who love me.
If I don't do it for me, at least I should have the heart to do it for them and be useful in at least ONE way possible.

I really don't want to. But I must.
My prayers will contradict me; for I will ask Him to heal me yet let me remain skinny as I am now and maintain my ideal weight of 45kgs.
But how possible is that really? Logically?


I just wish the people I told would have be more proud of me. I am scared shitless.
But I asked Mom to give me financial help for this medical check up.
I wish I wasn't the only stupid bitch who thought that was a brave thing I did and be oh-so-fucking-proud of myself.

I guess sometimes, somethings, you just really have to tackle on your own.

dissapoinments

I let out a sigh.
A big heave of the chest and a huge well of air is dispelled from me nostrills.

I am again disappointed by things I knew I would face. I put myself in this place and yet I cannot take on these emotions I could predict would cross my path, yet again.

I am tired.

Why am I so emotionally drained???
I thought that taking control; not shedding tears and being a baby would help.
Toughen up, be a big girl now, like I should. For crying out loud, I'm no teen anymore!!!
My physical being is carrying the weight of my worries. I'm constantly angry, annoyed, aggitated, irritated and down right rude to a point.

Maybe I need more time alone. And more time with different people. My mind and heart has be concised to one and concentrated. I am young and should flow free like water. WHY do I stress myself up abbout petty things and worry if I am loved or not? No one loves anyone, to be crude. Thats what I think most days. Based on life, I would say I'm pretty blessed. But pretty fucked all the same. I blame no one for this confusion in my life called Jody.

I'm screwed up inside my head and I'm just running and hiding and running and hiding.
But its gonna be the very reason why I'm gonna fuck my life up worse than ever.
I might just die and never wake up again.
Its all taking a toll on me.
I want to sleep in peace just one night without any sort of distraction of the non-stop shitting. The fucking bad-ass tummy aches. And when there nothing like that, the nightmares and unrested mind -___-

I just want sone peace in my mind.

Fever.Feverish.Fire.

So dad has given his ultimate THREAT; but what's new don't you think?

"I'm gonna disown you..."

Oh pfft if you ask ME! Once he asked if I was gonna walk out; and just when I was about to say I'm going to, he said "FIne, you join us ut do things our way!" UGHHHH I'm so sick of his "I-am-greater-than-thou-or-anyone-else" shit attitude. SO FUCKING IRRITATING!!!

You want to disown me for being physically involved and you can even say you would be irrieponsible if I were younger and could not fend for myself?! What bullshit is THAT. Does that make you RESPONSIBLE TO DISOWN ME NOW THAT I'M OLD ENOUGH TO FEND MYSELF? FUCKING BULLSHIT!!!!

You dont need a reason to disown me. Do so if you dispise me so!
Maybe this is where my self-hate ignites from.
Maybe this is how I learn to dispise myself.
Maybe this is when I learn that I'm never gonna be good enough.
Well, thank God you got your wish. If you must know (and yes, you can pretend you don't) it's killing me =) LITERALLY.

Give me a few more years of this ED and I would have purged myself to eath, if not starved myself to its end.

You fucking offer me WINE on the plane. You FUCKING let Joy take us wine tasting. And you throw such a big damn fuss about drinking whn you well know I don't. You know 've stopped smoking and yet you ask.

If that's not being "SO DAMN IRRITATING", I sure as hell don't know what is.

You have little faith.
You have much pride.
You have much pathetic self-pity.
You have little joy.
You have little peace.
You have much contradictions.
You have much too much in arears you should have less in, and you have little too little in areas you should have more in.
But most of all,

You have CLOSE TO NONE UNCONDITIONAL love for me.
The one you PROCLAIM to the whole wide world is the best.
Smart, all rounder, beautiful, lovely, intelligent, telented, sophisicated, helpful, loving, caring..best amongst the rest...everything you could think of nice ot say about me. In public.

But..
You know you lied.


secretely you dispise me and wish I dissapear.
One day soon..few years down he road, I just might?
I just might.




I just give up fighting you , you go ahead and win your every battle you pick. I'm just gonna sit back and let you pick. You will pick. You will pick and pick and pick. And I will die out. Thank you. Good night.

Back.Track.Back.Track.

Well, so Melbourne was a good trip.
Had a great time although most of the time it was werid. Dad was on a emotional high while mom was on a happy high. The two didn't make a good combo for the holidays. While dad was busy being gloomy, mom was too happy t bother too much. So as usual I end up being the punching bag of everybody's bad feelings; cause holidays are meant to be happy. The bad feelings are kept in tight as possible. -___-

WHY do I always end up being their dog? bleh.

Mom and dad DID pull a stunt and it my head off once. And dear me, did these eyes of mine cry! And did this heart of my hurt! It sure did. It sure did.

Now it's all good. Mom is still in Melbourne, patting and lving her precious lil boy. And Dad and I re back in Malaysia. Well at least I get more peace here. I can hide away and actually be alone when I want to.

Guess sometimes you just can love people from afar. Cause living with them just seems almost impossible. Loving from afar sounds good -__- Sounds just like me huh. I want to hide under my rock again please thank you!

SO over all my trip was brilliant other than the ocassional irritating-ness and me being bullied...
AND of course the fucked up pills that somehow allowed me to grow fat =( Now that I'm back in Malaysia, TO MY EXTREME DELIGHT, the other-more-effective pills are back on the shelves. And man, sometime when the frustrations in me just builds to extreme levels and I need to binge, these pills are my lil saviour poppers. If not like drug addict, nothing else comes close to discription.

I guess the past few days have proven to be a lil more than I could take. And tonight somehow made the cherry on top of the cream. Although the days were good, the chreey is not.

ARGH.

If only I could. I am beyong FUCKING PISSED BY NOW.
Its not going to be an easy one I swear. I am really really upset.
For more reasons than one.

But most of all,

You've torn down the entire wall of hope you've built.
Its not save here anymore. I am my own shield.


So...I've back.track.ed. to Melbournw. Hrboured worse than bad memories.
And now I've back.track.ed. further than Melbourne..as fr tonight. What a fear!! It's been induced.