imitates

This is a fear I have for my future. But maybe there will be nothing to imitate by then. Cause I hope I'd be dead by the time I am ready to start a family. What's the use of dreaming, when your "dream" doesn't understand, and says hurtful things...

but...

maybe he is right. Life has more to it than being skinny.

Just that; for me..its not about being skinny. I thought you already knew. Thank you so much for listening anyway.

a dying disease or a dying soul

I don't know which.

I think, fear and dread that it is the disease that is dying. Because my spirit will die with it. That I am sure of.
I want to, I must, I will, I need, I have to...
stay skinny!MUST!!!
But the freaking stupid Pharmacy has run out of the pills! And it's been some time. And I'm on my last bottle. With 10 pills left!
Which means I need to go to the Sri Petaling Guardian ..argh!
I need to stock up on them AND Xenical. I need to get them before I leave for Melbourne.
I will be so anxious. Aggitated. Irritated. Frustrated.

I don't know for sure if it is the period that's made me bloated at the tummy but I can't bear the sight of it. I can't even go to the toilet more today cause I will feel so fuck ugly. I'm sleepy and bloated. And worst of all...I don't have JeremyMyPeanutButterCupcake with me. For an enitre 2 weeks. sigh

*SIGH*

I think people like me with an eating disorder that is no identified or no specific name..face worse problems then those who are full on aneroxics or bulimics.

Because we have our phases and they suck.
Abit ago I was on my Aneroxic role. Refusing to eat and when eating, only consuming salads with no dressing or hot hot clear broth soups.
Now I think I am on my Bulimic role. Eating when i feel like it or splurging and eating whatever I want. And then take all the stupid pills to excavate them calories, oil, fats....etc.. er..ok well..basically..excavate everything I have consumed for the day. INcluding my salads and fruit.

I want to be Aneroxic. Its easier. Less painful. Cheaper to maintain. Less complications.
SO why can't I stop eating?
Kenny said my body is so hungry its eating away at the fats like the breasts. lol.
Why doesn't it eat away at the ass, 'muffins' and tummy?
I wonder if I force myself to go back to healthy eating..fruit and vegetables...I might be able to just stop eating=)

I had a whole lot of meat yesterday. Now I'm in pain -__-
I had 1/4Chicken Nandos, PeriChips and coselaw for lunch.
For dinner,I had a New York steak with lots of mash and vegetables with heaps of black pepper sauce. PLUS beef nachos! All that cheese and sour cream!!! Then at night night , I got hungry and decided to eat the left over ginger chicken in the fridge. There was a good 5 pieces. I had it all..so yummy I could not resist!!!!
*SIGH*

ENOUGH FOOD FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!
But I had Pan Mee soup today..an orange and a green apple..Now I'm bloated. WIth a migraine. And I still am craving!! Its the greed? The preiod? fuck!


I want to just eat eat eat!!!

*tear*

start or beginning?

i fucking hate this.

im in the middle of an emotional crisis. always bursting out into tears at moments i least expect. much stress and lack of sleep has occoured. im beginning to distaste this very much. i wonder if this is the beginning of my very disturbing journey or the ending.

i have much to say. but cannot find the words.

lay down and rest my little princess, i love you.
maybe those are the words i would rather hear. compared to that fucking angry face you gave me because you are upset at something else. i did nothing to you and i deserve nothing less.

how may i help, my love.
maybe thats what i need to hear, rather that your express of dissapointment in my lack of worthiness of someone trying to get well. maybe all you need to do is listen and actually show interest.

or maybe its just me,
always expecting SOMEONE to just be less indifferent from the rest.
maybe i expect from the wrong party.

but then again. i usually am wrong. so i am used to being told ever so often.

im tired.
i shall go lay my head and try not to cry again tonight.
tonight, its not the migraine i fear, but the lonliness in the darkness.
just like every other night, just more so tonight.

i did it again!!!

I so am screwing up.

Last night had two Tandoori Chicks. Plus the bits and pieces. Today at brekkie I though..ok I feel like fuck, so I had clear soup with some beansprouts. By a certain time I felt like vomit so I has a cold cold pear. That helped and I purged of the feast last night. Oddly enough, I felt hungry again! AT noon! So I decided what the heck..I've still got near to 2 weeks to be skinny before I jet off to Melb and stuff my fat body with more fatty but delicious Melb food!

OH GOD! I NEED XENICAL! NOW!

Cause when I thought "Heck, I'm gonna eat." My cravings called for OILY MAX food.
Nasi Lemak..LEMAKKK... and McDONALDS! McFATTY!
Oh mannn..

SO I popped pills as usual..and more so cus the fucking sky decided to cry today...just as I stepped out from the main doors. *sigh* Not only is this thing dring me insane, it's making me rude, obonxious and rude? argh. I feel like I need to swear at me everythime Jody misbehaves and eat like a piggy. And because I was sleepy; yes I fell asleep on my table *teehehe*, I consoled my already fat and PROTUDING TUMMY that since I've already eaten Nasi LEMAK, what difference would it really make if I ate some oily chicken balls right? WRONG! Cause...when Jody does that, she thinks she's at a All-u-cat-EAT-till-u-purge buffet!!! So I went and got 6 chicken balls and 2 nuggets...YUK YUK YUKKKK-a-rammmaaa! Even just the though of it is grossing me out. But you know WHAT?

The fearless JODY thinks shes some goddammit hero and thinks that the minute she has a chance to go to Guardian to get her body soap, pregnancy test and pills..she will buy more Xenical. And mind you, Xenical ain't cheap at all. But Do I think its worth the money? HELL YEAH! I have been on it for half a year plus I'd say. And boy its bad, I know. All that air and eekk...but the relief whenever I tale a crap and see all that oil. Its like....fats be gone! Fats I can consume and still stay more or less same. PLUS..I know these are results I can see. I hate all those fiber drinks and shit..thay don't work. Not anymore. Just lots of bloatness and no shit. And nothgin happens. AHHHHHHHHH!!!

Oh I can't wait to get off work. Go to Melb and hopefully have a restful holiday where I don't eat too much. Hopefully I can start a restful night tonight. Sleep like normal..I doubt so though. The amount I've consumed today AND the pills I've taken to eleminate the consumption is beyond...beyond...thoses days where I'm-trying-cut-down-pills&get-well...

ARGH..NOW I FEEL LIKE CREAMY CAKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!fuck!

WHat's wrong with meeee??? Only two thing for NOW I can imagine...
PERIOD or PREGNANT?

bits&pieces......and a void.

i feel like puke.
i can't quit the pills.
i need to hold on to something.
something that will always be there.
with or without pain; i need it.
it fills this void.

i want to be petite, cute&sexy.
i never can bear the though of being bigger than TheBoy.
like Beastly&TheBoy -.-
i want to feel like a feather..free&sipirited.i want to ultimately be 40kgs.
it would be insane nuts!
i am s sure im more than 47kgs by now.
so 40kgs would be the biggest achievement.
sucker that i am


.......................


just cause i am ready.
ready to make sacrifices.
deosn't mean others is ready.
to make THEIR sacrifice.

i cannot throw a fit.
i cannot blame or point fingers.
i cannot doubt.
i cannot get angry or irritated.
i SHOULDN'T.

because I myself chose to be transparent.
to be wholly commited.
entirely giving.
100% trusting.
and made a vow to not expect.

so i shall not want.
i will be patient for;
love is patient.

..................................


i'm irritable.
if this is how it's like to get well,
i don't want to.
i'm sick of being sick.
but i'm sicker of loosing people just cause of my irritability.
pfft fuck that!

........................................

now i'm a KDU student.
some sacrifices =)
i hope it well worth my years.
i shall pray.

.......................................

i want my business plan to work.
i want my lisence to go smoothy as planned.
i want to be a top student when i start.
i want ife to be passionate and full.
i am TRULY SICK TO HELL with all this laidback nonsense.
No satisfcaction whatsoever!!!


*sigh*

again...

47kgs!!! how can! damit!

fucking hell. I KNEW IT! all that..."once more only" just doesn't work cause it's ALWAYS gonna be "just once more + just once more = FAT"
*ugh*

Doesn't help that some peolpe are smaller than me and some shrinking :(
I can't take this pressure to stay skinny. But you know; I can't loose face right? And I can't let ME down. By the end of this year I would have been so acomplished that a fat-girl image just won't fit in. I have 2kgs to loose and RAYA is tomorrow -.- What timing... Lucky I started a "food" fast yesterday. My hunger pangs have subsided and in control now. I hope I don't have to resort to pills again. Not that I have stopped entirely, I just have reduced.

But you know...McDonald's, KFC, Nandos and mamak rice and laksa and curry all sounds so yummy and tastes even better when the flavours bursts in your mouth. Oh well....

Pictures Jeremy took;
30th Sept = I had skinny arms and sharp face features
6th Oct = I still had skinny arms....


Now...12th October...I'm like Universal Award Winner for Fatty Chick -.-
I'm getting more and more insecure. I am getting less and less confortable with this body and I am covering myself more and more....well....yeah...I think I'm imune to the pain from the pills and the body doesn't respond so well anymore.....That means...If I don't watch it I will really turn into a fatty. Like a MEGA MEGA FAT one..

-____-


I think I'm loosing my mind.
Lucky I took my baking seriously yesterday and baked and baked and baked.
I need to keep my mind off "us". It's not the best of things to ponder on.
I either end up with some kind of assumption and conclude the worst. Thus, feeling like fuck later on. But...could you blame me?
I don't think so.

=(

I want to be 40kgs! I will worry no more ever again! EVERRRRRRR.....................................
ARGH FUCKING HELL IN THIS BLACK HOLEEEE FUCK FUCK FUCK............

just ain't good enough

I just am not doing well.

I thought I could hold up and prolong the "getting wel" stage. I thought it would help if I just stick to eating all the healthy stuff. Yet I crave for the unthinkable at the weirdest ways and times. Today iself I've had dim sun, sushi, curry laksa, juiceworks, yougart smootie, a full on chow choi dinner and doughnut AND strawberries. That a might hell load of food I've consumed non-stop in a day!!!!!!

WHat's worse is...I think my body actually absorbed some of it!! @_@

I hate me.
I hate the cravings.
I hate this and I want to get wel but stay skinny...skinnier is better.


AH....I think I'm just tired. Very tired.




.
..
...
..
.

On another topic;

I've come to a realise that no matter how much I wish Alicia to vanish from the face of KL....I can't get rid of her and I can't hide from her. Ok, so I don't really care if I bumped into her one day; even while when with Jeremy.

I just cannot stand that; like it or not, will be part of Jeremy's life. Directly or indirectly. For a long more time to come. First it was people saying stuid things like, "Oh, change gf edy??", right in front of my face!!! fuckers.

I thought that would last for awhile. But now...somehow or rather, Alicia is brought up. Pfft. I don't hate her, I just dispise/dislike her, for reasons valid enough to feel such a way. And to justify my fucked-up feelings; simply put, I want nothing to have of her and especially to do with the one I love.

But I cannot stop the rest of the people. SO I have to stop myself.

Stop me from caring too much about the things I worry about. And maybe stop caring altogether. He is he and he can do as he wants. I will trust his judgements to not let my feelings bruise.

Words are still just words at the end of the day.

it won't spread...

I've figured that...


What they don't know, won't hurt!
What I don't SAY, they won't know! =)


So..from now on, I guess I'm on my own again =) hehe















Although; what I read bout the transplants of liver caused my heart failure and all that fuckshit; did scare me. But only for awhile, I guess.

*bohoo*

I never win. SO


SHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh