Is it really brighter than sunshine?

I still cry when I watch the video you made for me.

I miss you; really.

Its been such a long time and I think I still don't know what love is.

How can I have SO much yet be SO unsatisfied? 

I don't know if its just me...maybe it is?

I NEED a man, not a boy.

I NEED a leader, not a yes-man.

I NEED stability, not always guessing.

I NEED confidence, not mistrust.

I NEED to be true, not lying.

I NEED alot more than I can say or think of now.

But I've told you all this before and all you did was nod your head and say yes yes yes.

I try to say it nicely and not offend you many more than once, 

but I've come to realize now, that I CAN live without you,

that I am lonely even when I have you,

that I fight my own battles with you watching,

that I will never be a part of your life,

that I always am ahead of you,

that I want more out of life than you,

that I am able to lie to you,

that I had one day where I rather be with my friends than you,

that I will never be a part of your friends or anything you do,

that I am and always be an outsider.

I don't know if is the status in life 

or the background

or the upbringing

but frankly I can't take it no more

Above all..I just realized that 

I want to be loved and TAKEN care of

and I don't want to love and TAKE care or MOTHER other for the rest of my sad fucking life!

---

but am i ready to move out of this space i find so comfortable in?

it really pisses me

-that you would sacrifice time with me and not your friends to be with your parents.

-that you say all my concerns are complains.

-that so often it is about sex.

-that you see my opinions as nagging and irritation, but your friend's exact advice as sound advice

-that I am of lower priority than that of your friends

-that you always make empty promises

-that I love you more than you love me...........

fuck!

11 months&i need a break?wtf!

Finally I find the email and password to this blog so that I may complain, ramble, write aimlessly and fuck the whole world around me, because no one reads it =)

ARGHHHHH!

is how I feel.

Jeremy and I have been dating for exactly 11 months, seeing that my yesterday evolve into today, thus it being the same day la. 

SO what's the problem?

Fuck, like I know! 

I just need time away. Space, lots of it.

I am really not sure if I want this for the rest of my life. I cannot stand the complacent attitude he has with his life. I want so much more in this life; I haven't been given the freedom to live my life. Yes I am well and truly privilege to have had experiences many cannot obtain in their whole lives. Yes I am very well blessed to have my pockets always full, my plate always filled with rich foods, a comfortable bed to sleep in, a solid roof over my head and a family who's always there. Good or bad, I have more than many can dream of.

SO am I being ungrateful?

I don't know. Maybe.

All I know is I want SO MUCH MUCH MORE than this. 

I feel like giving up this relationship.

I feel like ending it.

But I can't let go...

So am I:

Using him?

Too comfortable in this?

Leaving this for convenient sake?

Just too attached?

OR ; Do I really love him as much as I think I do?

I would easily jump and answer that, "YES I love him to bits.."

But I am reluctant because deep within me;

I doubt his love for me.

I remember once I told him,

this I will ever forget.

That "I will know exactly when he really does love me."

For REAL.

He doesn't know it yet, but when the day come to when he really finds love for me or another, he will understand what I was on about.

*Sigh*

So....now...

WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO?

I am depressed as depressed gets.

My relationship seems so perfect yet, I am unsatisfied.

College is not too bad, easy peasy for me to excel if I am more willing, yet I am unsatisfied with the easiness I am handed.

The family seem almost at its best, yet I want my time out and leave maybe?

What is it really that I am so unsatisfied about?

Yes, the loving should be enough.

Yes, the sex is more than enough.

Yes, the wealth is sufficient.

Yes, the dreams are more and higher than ever.

But there must be something missing that's making me feel shittier than the shit I feel like right now. Maybe I need a good drink or many many good drinks and get so utterly drunk that when I wake I would have forgotten all my sorrows!

I don't even have an appetite! That is super "wow", cause no matter what I never have NO appetite... 

I want to cry a bucket, a river, an OCEAN!

If only you still saw me the way you used to.

loved me the way I though you would forever...

I miss the Jeremy I fell in love with.

The Jeremy that made my world seem so beautiful,

who made me forget everything,

who made me laugh, smile, love, play, giggle and everything wonderful :'(

doubt

Doubtful I am. Very very.

Am I too picky or am I insecure?
Or is this normal?


Doubtful.

Very.

So I've started Physcology. Dr Paul Jambunathan.
Wonderful doctor. "Wonderful" price too though.

Dr.Siti..she does the physical check. Medical side of the story.
I've got my vital signs checked and was told my blood pressure is low.
I got a blood test done a week after, and was told that my potassium is low.
That's what's causing the weakness in my arms, legs and even heart -__-
She said that the normal level was to be between 3.5 to 5.0 or something like that.
Mine read 3.0. She said I was lucky that morning because if had it read any lower, I would have been admitted right away. So it seems that the potassium level isn't the same everyday. She also mentioned that I should be in the ward and the reason why I was not admitted was cus I was still walking, talking and breathing. What a sad thing to say!

Then I go see my dietitian, Mimi. Who tells me that oily food makes me vomit cause I cant't digest it. AND that she is happy for me to stay at 44kgs if I did it the healthy way. Yay to THAT so far. And that I need to drink juice twice a day to increase my potassium, vitamins and collagen. Juice twice a day is damn yum I must admit but at the same time ...F-ing scary! Its like sugar shot right into your blood stream. Then you get hungry again soon, then you need to eat...which means, more sugare, fat, protein, carbs..and everything you want eliminited from your body! *sigh*

Anyhow.
I feel like fuck. I don't know if I am wasting mom and dad's money, and everybody's time or if I really am gona get well. I feel hungry alll the fucking time and the more I feed this hunger, the more i take the pills that are killing me. The doctors and the dietitian have all said that they don't expect me to stop taking the pills. Not now at least. But what;s mind boggling is; if the pills are the very thing causing the low potassium level, how can it be okay on their standards for now?What if I did a run of a few days with very little food and a huge anount of pills. I will end up like that time. Losing a kg a day and bed ridden for a week. Of course that is less possible now because I go to college and need energy so I eat more. But that aside. What happens when the holiday's come round? I will be paralized with fear once again.

Somehow I think this is not working. Honestly.
It doesnt help that mom, dad or Jeremy has failed to realise that it had little to do with the way I look or the way I seem to make it be about my weight. I complain, but of coure I would! But then they go and comment on my looks, weight, bony-ness, skeletn like, etc etc. And then try be a therapist. Or do some physotic reverse physcology on me. *sigh*

SOmetimes I think I dont even understand myself enough to expresess it to the doc. How then can he evaluate me properly? He would have thought "Oh ok so THAT's the problem", but it could be more to it than just Dad's controlling ways. I know mom is very concerned after my near black out the day before christmas. She did mention "you almost didn't make it that time" in a very serious almost angry tone. Which make me jolt to my senses a lil bit.

I am afraid and I am hungry all the time.
But I don't want to be afraid and i don't want to be hungry all the time.

I constantly sit under the hottest possible shower I can for as long as it taks for the coldness to be driven out of my bones. Some nights I rub the Cool Heat in right after shower cause the ace is to great to brear. Its as if I'm really an old lady. I cry when I can't seem to get the pain out, I cry when I can't control myself from the food and then the pills; which makes me nuseated often. Especially fi I had just had an oily meal. I'm confused. I just want to be beautiful. Most beautiful, I fear that when I get well I will just be average lke everybody else. And that I won; be special anymore. Who would notice I was alive then? Only if I were dying would thay take notice and try prevent it. Right?

Sometimes I think that my mind is warped. But I doubt my own mind often. So, as of now I want to agree with the latter. I am ok. Totally.

I hope.

a long slow death

After the MONTHS of telling THEM (whoever it is) that I AM willing and that I WILL go for counselling, therapist or to the phiscologist...

only NOW do we see some sort of developement. I finally have an appointment booked for the 9th of February. Well way over the time I've expected to wait. I think I will either not want to go by then or just loose so much that addmitance will be needed.

I hope I dont get any uglier. Seems like the skinnier I get the uglier I become -__-
So I was told, by many.

But I've dropped enough weight! I'm getting weaker by the day.
Standing at 43kgs...my lowest ever yet....


This reminds me of the game we used to play in school when we were kids; limbo rock...

HOW LOW CAN YOU GO?!?

a slow decay

It's been awhil since I've last logged onto either of my blogs. I've lost interest in life as a whole at soe point I guess. Maybe I just lost passion for it bit by bit. There are things I realise I don't want to do or bother with anymore. Things like; listening to good music, watching good TV , treating myself to really GOOD food, sleeping leisurely, coming online to keep in touch with the rest of the world, go shopping for the entire day, wasting time with my best friend....

I used to work at it, make an effort...

The thinner I get the less an effort I put into life. Now, all little enery that i have is put and focused into college and trying to ..well, be a good girlfriend. Still I think I'm not very good at either.

I think I've made my shell harder than I realise..and the closer he gets the harder it is for me..I think I feel like I will loose him if he got any closer. I want to let him in but have too many expectations, too many mind blocks. I think I'm too proud. I think I don't deserve him. I think...I think I'm guilty of being selfish and I think I don't trust enough. I think I'm confused.

I think the main problem is; I'm insecure. About everything.
I'm insecure about the way i look. My studies. My success in life. The way I look. The way people look at me.

I'm insecure in me. Which makes me insecure in you.
Which in turen makes me insecure in us.
WHich is bad.
Cus...I'm making trouble -__-



I just wanna lay low and sit quietly in a corner of a lush garden, hidden behind big beautiful leaves and heliconea flowers, big bunch of lilies in a tall clear glass set in the middle of the garden table. curled up and bundled in a fleece blanket on a cold sunny morning, clutching my tall glass of freshly crushed chilled juice. My pet snuggled tightly curled up on my lap..I think a cat =) or maybe a lil lil pup =)

sigh

the thought makes me happy ...
if only I was..