Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Saturday, December 8, 2007
PANIC!!!!
SO i nearly died the last time i wrote my last post...until didn't finish the story..
But now..I'm all no bruises and stronger. Even hikied for half an hour in the cold at Gentings just now...hmm...
THAT can only mean ONE thing!!!!!
I've gained weight and I'm stronger now -__-
I dare not get on the scale. But I know I have put on weight!!! oh God..panic!
PANIC!!!!
serious panic!
I pray I'm just sronger but without the weight gain! I hope with all my might!
If i squeeze my eyes shut tight enough and wish hard enough....do you think it is possible???
Strong at 44kgs!
Strong at 44kgs and less less lesssssssssssssss.
YES!
But now..I'm all no bruises and stronger. Even hikied for half an hour in the cold at Gentings just now...hmm...
THAT can only mean ONE thing!!!!!
I've gained weight and I'm stronger now -__-
I dare not get on the scale. But I know I have put on weight!!! oh God..panic!
PANIC!!!!
serious panic!
I pray I'm just sronger but without the weight gain! I hope with all my might!
If i squeeze my eyes shut tight enough and wish hard enough....do you think it is possible???
Strong at 44kgs!
Strong at 44kgs and less less lesssssssssssssss.
YES!
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
bruises
Last night was pure nightmare I swear!
I couldn't sleep for fucking nuts. I finally gave in to tempations and went down to make tosties -__-
I miss NZ that way..the tostie. So I had some left over pasta suce and cheese in my fridge. I tosted 4 slices of sinfully fluffly white bread and spread them with the yummy pasta sauce. Think slices of cheese and crack pepper on top; into the oven and bout 5 minutes later on high heat, I took them out to INDULGE!!
4 fucking slices! Not that I can tuck in so much, just that I'm pure P-I-G!
Finally after 3 to 4 hours after the binge, I finally decided that my body can NOT and will NOT accept cheese and will not digest. So I went to puke and finally hit the sack at 5.30am. But not after another round of metal torture...sometimes I think maybe there really IS a devil inside me.
So there I sat on my marble sink table top. Totally naked except for my panties.
These tortorus thoughts ran trough;
Look at that beautiful shine of my skin clinging ever so tightly around my backbone. Knuckle by knuckle. One by one like tiny balls inserted into just under my skin, protruding like it was about to push its way through my shiny skin. And the hip bones that was somewhat poking out above my now loose panty. I curled up on the tble and realised, 'Wow, I can curl my whole ody and hug myself one whole round; something i can't do when I'm fat" My under thighs "sunk" in and I looked ike I didn't have shape. My tiny breasts hung a little low from where it had begun to blossom at a young age of 12. It points out ever so slightly, if my tummy had bloated, I wouldn't even seem to have any bust. Ceavage was a thing of the past. Far far away some time in my past life. Itwisted and turned my body, snaking myself all over my crled up legs; looking at my beautiful bones a t the same time bearing the pain from every mmove I made. The bruises I have obained from my bed in the past week are countless. Both hips hurt like fuck. My muggy mind only allowed the thoughts that drstroy me come through. What little energy I had left was used to twist my body all around to admire the bones poking out. My shoulder bones, sharp like raor, my collor bone, deep like wells, my ribs, like guitar strings you could count them. My ass, thighs and some other parts; sunken in, shrunken, gone. Done for.
cut story short...I had a muderous night! I woke at bout 7 or 8 ..with the craziest stomach ache ever. Rolling all over my bed thi
I couldn't sleep for fucking nuts. I finally gave in to tempations and went down to make tosties -__-
I miss NZ that way..the tostie. So I had some left over pasta suce and cheese in my fridge. I tosted 4 slices of sinfully fluffly white bread and spread them with the yummy pasta sauce. Think slices of cheese and crack pepper on top; into the oven and bout 5 minutes later on high heat, I took them out to INDULGE!!
4 fucking slices! Not that I can tuck in so much, just that I'm pure P-I-G!
Finally after 3 to 4 hours after the binge, I finally decided that my body can NOT and will NOT accept cheese and will not digest. So I went to puke and finally hit the sack at 5.30am. But not after another round of metal torture...sometimes I think maybe there really IS a devil inside me.
So there I sat on my marble sink table top. Totally naked except for my panties.
These tortorus thoughts ran trough;
Look at that beautiful shine of my skin clinging ever so tightly around my backbone. Knuckle by knuckle. One by one like tiny balls inserted into just under my skin, protruding like it was about to push its way through my shiny skin. And the hip bones that was somewhat poking out above my now loose panty. I curled up on the tble and realised, 'Wow, I can curl my whole ody and hug myself one whole round; something i can't do when I'm fat" My under thighs "sunk" in and I looked ike I didn't have shape. My tiny breasts hung a little low from where it had begun to blossom at a young age of 12. It points out ever so slightly, if my tummy had bloated, I wouldn't even seem to have any bust. Ceavage was a thing of the past. Far far away some time in my past life. Itwisted and turned my body, snaking myself all over my crled up legs; looking at my beautiful bones a t the same time bearing the pain from every mmove I made. The bruises I have obained from my bed in the past week are countless. Both hips hurt like fuck. My muggy mind only allowed the thoughts that drstroy me come through. What little energy I had left was used to twist my body all around to admire the bones poking out. My shoulder bones, sharp like raor, my collor bone, deep like wells, my ribs, like guitar strings you could count them. My ass, thighs and some other parts; sunken in, shrunken, gone. Done for.
cut story short...I had a muderous night! I woke at bout 7 or 8 ..with the craziest stomach ache ever. Rolling all over my bed thi
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
theToilet; my second home
Much of last night was spent of my bathroom floor. I woke to the rumbling of my tummy. The rumble was thunderous!!! And the PAIN; was horrible. I thought I was going to die of stomach acid. And I swear its not the usual as it is getting worse and worse as the nights pass. Its not one of those nights where I woke up twice to vomit. It was a whole new episode of waking up and sitting on the toilet bowl as bowels loosen for a split second and then suffer episode after episodes of stomach aches, like acid wash. And then I have to clench my tummy as hard as my weak fingers can for as long as until the acid leaves. Its getting quite unberable I must say; as I clutch my stomache,beads of sweat break out over my forehaed and slowly my whole face starts sweating profusely, like a leaking pipe!! On days when my "episodes" come right after dinner or before I take my shower, my make up for the day will melt and I will rub my fingers all over my face, smudging my eye-liner and mascara. Looks a tad goth..haha..But that's beside the point. Last night I realise that; it's true, spicy food, although I crave it like mad, is not what my body can really take! I ate left over rendang from my farewell lunch which I had brought home, with wite rice. Its best consumed that way. Not only was it spicy but it was wayyy too oily, which of course did not agree with my body! 2 minutes into my last spoon on rice; yes I was on a small binge, God knows why! ; I started to feel the intense burn! All over my body I was feeling very uncomfortable, like little tiny ants biting my flesh off bit by bit. I couldn't even sit straight or stand up. So, Emmy Award winner Jody Wong acted quite the prize fetching scene of being overly tired and exhausted from a long day's work. Got Jason to un-do the ice-cubes for me to make my ice water. Good combanition don't you reckon? A recipie for disaster! I wobbled up the stairs, hands clutching the banaister. Finally making it to my room with a racing heart, face almost wet, I flopped into bed; breathless.
dramatic eh?
Well, that's how it has been for awhile now. And I do give out alot of intestine mucos, which is a sigh of laxative abuse. Way too much by now!!! I need the doctor's help; NOW!!!
I'm going to die, if not. am forever breathless. Weak-hearted. And worst of ALL them is; I'm so teary! And wanting to cry! I'm not so emotionally weak and troubled. I am not so silly billy over small unreasonable things. I just need to cry, but WHY? I know not! I just don't want to feel so WEEPY all the time and be a cry baby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dammit!
I wonder how many more long nights I will spend on my toilet floor asleep with the cold tiles pressing against my face. I wonder how long more I will wake up to fine that the entire right side of my body is sore from the hard floor and my skin has deep indents of the mat I have slept on. And I wonder how long more I will have to wake up with a throbbing head, half bruised from the weight of my skull on the cold cold floor. I want to get well dammit, I do. But the fear is making me go insane. Im procrastinating like fuck, I delaying is as much as I can. And the "best" part is, mom and dad doesn't have a word to say. They say nothing; not a word of encouragement whatsoever. Mom nags a little bit bout the things she need not nag about though =__= but thatsw what moms are for sometimes I guess. hmm...
I will do something about it soon enough...Hopefully before I have my first faint. And if I do faint, hopefully its not in my second home haha..that would be bad as!!!
dramatic eh?
Well, that's how it has been for awhile now. And I do give out alot of intestine mucos, which is a sigh of laxative abuse. Way too much by now!!! I need the doctor's help; NOW!!!
I'm going to die, if not. am forever breathless. Weak-hearted. And worst of ALL them is; I'm so teary! And wanting to cry! I'm not so emotionally weak and troubled. I am not so silly billy over small unreasonable things. I just need to cry, but WHY? I know not! I just don't want to feel so WEEPY all the time and be a cry baby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dammit!
I wonder how many more long nights I will spend on my toilet floor asleep with the cold tiles pressing against my face. I wonder how long more I will wake up to fine that the entire right side of my body is sore from the hard floor and my skin has deep indents of the mat I have slept on. And I wonder how long more I will have to wake up with a throbbing head, half bruised from the weight of my skull on the cold cold floor. I want to get well dammit, I do. But the fear is making me go insane. Im procrastinating like fuck, I delaying is as much as I can. And the "best" part is, mom and dad doesn't have a word to say. They say nothing; not a word of encouragement whatsoever. Mom nags a little bit bout the things she need not nag about though =__= but thatsw what moms are for sometimes I guess. hmm...
I will do something about it soon enough...Hopefully before I have my first faint. And if I do faint, hopefully its not in my second home haha..that would be bad as!!!
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
disappointments again
*SIGH*
*sugh*sigh*sigh*
I have decided that it is finally time I try get some help. As much as I HATE the thought of it; of getting fat and ugly, the thought of getting rid of my only true faithful "friend". I don't know if I will ever fully recover as it is only getting worse and worse as time pass. The only thing on my mind is getting skinnier and skinnier. Nothng comes close to the amount of time I spend training myself to be a discipline eater. Starving myself for as long as I can. And then rewarding myself by indulging in tiny amount of things I like to eat. Sometimes I get overboard I screw it up so bad I either make myself vomit and then take pills..or take enough pills to make me purge. SOme days my body just..rejects everything and I vomit unvoluntary. Those are most satisfying but the freakiest freak-shows of them all. I take pleasure in the "weight" lifted off me althhough it hurts. Nothings seems to calm me like it does. And although it hurts like hell, I can't give it up..When I try, it hurts more..
Confused as I am, and as willing as I am to go on loosing weight till I become 40kgs ...
The only thing making me do this; counselling, is the very mtter of life and death. I made a agreemet with Jeremy not too long ago. Promising him that I will slowly recover on my own, with his support and help in the next year to come, and if that fails only then will I seek professional help. However, my irregular heartbeats, my constant dizziness, my faint body, my breathlessness, my tight hurting chest, my weak hands and feet, my burning stomach, my non-stop tummy aches, my dry eyes and skin, my muggy head, my unfocused mind, my lost of memory, my inability to digest, my panic attacks, my tantrums, my moods swings, my period havocs, my chipping nails, my loosing hair, my skin problems....
My NEVER-ENDING story of problems cause by this five year long obsession.
I need help and I cannot deny myself of it anymore. I owe it to the people who love me.
If I don't do it for me, at least I should have the heart to do it for them and be useful in at least ONE way possible.
I really don't want to. But I must.
My prayers will contradict me; for I will ask Him to heal me yet let me remain skinny as I am now and maintain my ideal weight of 45kgs.
But how possible is that really? Logically?
I just wish the people I told would have be more proud of me. I am scared shitless.
But I asked Mom to give me financial help for this medical check up.
I wish I wasn't the only stupid bitch who thought that was a brave thing I did and be oh-so-fucking-proud of myself.
I guess sometimes, somethings, you just really have to tackle on your own.
*sugh*sigh*sigh*
I have decided that it is finally time I try get some help. As much as I HATE the thought of it; of getting fat and ugly, the thought of getting rid of my only true faithful "friend". I don't know if I will ever fully recover as it is only getting worse and worse as time pass. The only thing on my mind is getting skinnier and skinnier. Nothng comes close to the amount of time I spend training myself to be a discipline eater. Starving myself for as long as I can. And then rewarding myself by indulging in tiny amount of things I like to eat. Sometimes I get overboard I screw it up so bad I either make myself vomit and then take pills..or take enough pills to make me purge. SOme days my body just..rejects everything and I vomit unvoluntary. Those are most satisfying but the freakiest freak-shows of them all. I take pleasure in the "weight" lifted off me althhough it hurts. Nothings seems to calm me like it does. And although it hurts like hell, I can't give it up..When I try, it hurts more..
Confused as I am, and as willing as I am to go on loosing weight till I become 40kgs ...
The only thing making me do this; counselling, is the very mtter of life and death. I made a agreemet with Jeremy not too long ago. Promising him that I will slowly recover on my own, with his support and help in the next year to come, and if that fails only then will I seek professional help. However, my irregular heartbeats, my constant dizziness, my faint body, my breathlessness, my tight hurting chest, my weak hands and feet, my burning stomach, my non-stop tummy aches, my dry eyes and skin, my muggy head, my unfocused mind, my lost of memory, my inability to digest, my panic attacks, my tantrums, my moods swings, my period havocs, my chipping nails, my loosing hair, my skin problems....
My NEVER-ENDING story of problems cause by this five year long obsession.
I need help and I cannot deny myself of it anymore. I owe it to the people who love me.
If I don't do it for me, at least I should have the heart to do it for them and be useful in at least ONE way possible.
I really don't want to. But I must.
My prayers will contradict me; for I will ask Him to heal me yet let me remain skinny as I am now and maintain my ideal weight of 45kgs.
But how possible is that really? Logically?
I just wish the people I told would have be more proud of me. I am scared shitless.
But I asked Mom to give me financial help for this medical check up.
I wish I wasn't the only stupid bitch who thought that was a brave thing I did and be oh-so-fucking-proud of myself.
I guess sometimes, somethings, you just really have to tackle on your own.
Thursday, November 22, 2007
dissapoinments
I let out a sigh.
A big heave of the chest and a huge well of air is dispelled from me nostrills.
I am again disappointed by things I knew I would face. I put myself in this place and yet I cannot take on these emotions I could predict would cross my path, yet again.
I am tired.
Why am I so emotionally drained???
I thought that taking control; not shedding tears and being a baby would help.
Toughen up, be a big girl now, like I should. For crying out loud, I'm no teen anymore!!!
My physical being is carrying the weight of my worries. I'm constantly angry, annoyed, aggitated, irritated and down right rude to a point.
Maybe I need more time alone. And more time with different people. My mind and heart has be concised to one and concentrated. I am young and should flow free like water. WHY do I stress myself up abbout petty things and worry if I am loved or not? No one loves anyone, to be crude. Thats what I think most days. Based on life, I would say I'm pretty blessed. But pretty fucked all the same. I blame no one for this confusion in my life called Jody.
I'm screwed up inside my head and I'm just running and hiding and running and hiding.
But its gonna be the very reason why I'm gonna fuck my life up worse than ever.
I might just die and never wake up again.
Its all taking a toll on me.
I want to sleep in peace just one night without any sort of distraction of the non-stop shitting. The fucking bad-ass tummy aches. And when there nothing like that, the nightmares and unrested mind -___-
I just want sone peace in my mind.
A big heave of the chest and a huge well of air is dispelled from me nostrills.
I am again disappointed by things I knew I would face. I put myself in this place and yet I cannot take on these emotions I could predict would cross my path, yet again.
I am tired.
Why am I so emotionally drained???
I thought that taking control; not shedding tears and being a baby would help.
Toughen up, be a big girl now, like I should. For crying out loud, I'm no teen anymore!!!
My physical being is carrying the weight of my worries. I'm constantly angry, annoyed, aggitated, irritated and down right rude to a point.
Maybe I need more time alone. And more time with different people. My mind and heart has be concised to one and concentrated. I am young and should flow free like water. WHY do I stress myself up abbout petty things and worry if I am loved or not? No one loves anyone, to be crude. Thats what I think most days. Based on life, I would say I'm pretty blessed. But pretty fucked all the same. I blame no one for this confusion in my life called Jody.
I'm screwed up inside my head and I'm just running and hiding and running and hiding.
But its gonna be the very reason why I'm gonna fuck my life up worse than ever.
I might just die and never wake up again.
Its all taking a toll on me.
I want to sleep in peace just one night without any sort of distraction of the non-stop shitting. The fucking bad-ass tummy aches. And when there nothing like that, the nightmares and unrested mind -___-
I just want sone peace in my mind.
Monday, November 19, 2007
Fever.Feverish.Fire.
So dad has given his ultimate THREAT; but what's new don't you think?
"I'm gonna disown you..."
Oh pfft if you ask ME! Once he asked if I was gonna walk out; and just when I was about to say I'm going to, he said "FIne, you join us ut do things our way!" UGHHHH I'm so sick of his "I-am-greater-than-thou-or-anyone-else" shit attitude. SO FUCKING IRRITATING!!!
You want to disown me for being physically involved and you can even say you would be irrieponsible if I were younger and could not fend for myself?! What bullshit is THAT. Does that make you RESPONSIBLE TO DISOWN ME NOW THAT I'M OLD ENOUGH TO FEND MYSELF? FUCKING BULLSHIT!!!!
You dont need a reason to disown me. Do so if you dispise me so!
Maybe this is where my self-hate ignites from.
Maybe this is how I learn to dispise myself.
Maybe this is when I learn that I'm never gonna be good enough.
Well, thank God you got your wish. If you must know (and yes, you can pretend you don't) it's killing me =) LITERALLY.
Give me a few more years of this ED and I would have purged myself to eath, if not starved myself to its end.
You fucking offer me WINE on the plane. You FUCKING let Joy take us wine tasting. And you throw such a big damn fuss about drinking whn you well know I don't. You know 've stopped smoking and yet you ask.
If that's not being "SO DAMN IRRITATING", I sure as hell don't know what is.
You have little faith.
You have much pride.
You have much pathetic self-pity.
You have little joy.
You have little peace.
You have much contradictions.
You have much too much in arears you should have less in, and you have little too little in areas you should have more in.
But most of all,
You have CLOSE TO NONE UNCONDITIONAL love for me.
The one you PROCLAIM to the whole wide world is the best.
Smart, all rounder, beautiful, lovely, intelligent, telented, sophisicated, helpful, loving, caring..best amongst the rest...everything you could think of nice ot say about me. In public.
But..
You know you lied.
secretely you dispise me and wish I dissapear.
One day soon..few years down he road, I just might?
I just might.
I just give up fighting you , you go ahead and win your every battle you pick. I'm just gonna sit back and let you pick. You will pick. You will pick and pick and pick. And I will die out. Thank you. Good night.
"I'm gonna disown you..."
Oh pfft if you ask ME! Once he asked if I was gonna walk out; and just when I was about to say I'm going to, he said "FIne, you join us ut do things our way!" UGHHHH I'm so sick of his "I-am-greater-than-thou-or-anyone-else" shit attitude. SO FUCKING IRRITATING!!!
You want to disown me for being physically involved and you can even say you would be irrieponsible if I were younger and could not fend for myself?! What bullshit is THAT. Does that make you RESPONSIBLE TO DISOWN ME NOW THAT I'M OLD ENOUGH TO FEND MYSELF? FUCKING BULLSHIT!!!!
You dont need a reason to disown me. Do so if you dispise me so!
Maybe this is where my self-hate ignites from.
Maybe this is how I learn to dispise myself.
Maybe this is when I learn that I'm never gonna be good enough.
Well, thank God you got your wish. If you must know (and yes, you can pretend you don't) it's killing me =) LITERALLY.
Give me a few more years of this ED and I would have purged myself to eath, if not starved myself to its end.
You fucking offer me WINE on the plane. You FUCKING let Joy take us wine tasting. And you throw such a big damn fuss about drinking whn you well know I don't. You know 've stopped smoking and yet you ask.
If that's not being "SO DAMN IRRITATING", I sure as hell don't know what is.
You have little faith.
You have much pride.
You have much pathetic self-pity.
You have little joy.
You have little peace.
You have much contradictions.
You have much too much in arears you should have less in, and you have little too little in areas you should have more in.
But most of all,
You have CLOSE TO NONE UNCONDITIONAL love for me.
The one you PROCLAIM to the whole wide world is the best.
Smart, all rounder, beautiful, lovely, intelligent, telented, sophisicated, helpful, loving, caring..best amongst the rest...everything you could think of nice ot say about me. In public.
But..
You know you lied.
secretely you dispise me and wish I dissapear.
One day soon..few years down he road, I just might?
I just might.
I just give up fighting you , you go ahead and win your every battle you pick. I'm just gonna sit back and let you pick. You will pick. You will pick and pick and pick. And I will die out. Thank you. Good night.
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Back.Track.Back.Track.
Well, so Melbourne was a good trip.
Had a great time although most of the time it was werid. Dad was on a emotional high while mom was on a happy high. The two didn't make a good combo for the holidays. While dad was busy being gloomy, mom was too happy t bother too much. So as usual I end up being the punching bag of everybody's bad feelings; cause holidays are meant to be happy. The bad feelings are kept in tight as possible. -___-
WHY do I always end up being their dog? bleh.
Mom and dad DID pull a stunt and it my head off once. And dear me, did these eyes of mine cry! And did this heart of my hurt! It sure did. It sure did.
Now it's all good. Mom is still in Melbourne, patting and lving her precious lil boy. And Dad and I re back in Malaysia. Well at least I get more peace here. I can hide away and actually be alone when I want to.
Guess sometimes you just can love people from afar. Cause living with them just seems almost impossible. Loving from afar sounds good -__- Sounds just like me huh. I want to hide under my rock again please thank you!
SO over all my trip was brilliant other than the ocassional irritating-ness and me being bullied...
AND of course the fucked up pills that somehow allowed me to grow fat =( Now that I'm back in Malaysia, TO MY EXTREME DELIGHT, the other-more-effective pills are back on the shelves. And man, sometime when the frustrations in me just builds to extreme levels and I need to binge, these pills are my lil saviour poppers. If not like drug addict, nothing else comes close to discription.
I guess the past few days have proven to be a lil more than I could take. And tonight somehow made the cherry on top of the cream. Although the days were good, the chreey is not.
ARGH.
If only I could. I am beyong FUCKING PISSED BY NOW.
Its not going to be an easy one I swear. I am really really upset.
For more reasons than one.
But most of all,
You've torn down the entire wall of hope you've built.
Its not save here anymore. I am my own shield.
So...I've back.track.ed. to Melbournw. Hrboured worse than bad memories.
And now I've back.track.ed. further than Melbourne..as fr tonight. What a fear!! It's been induced.
Had a great time although most of the time it was werid. Dad was on a emotional high while mom was on a happy high. The two didn't make a good combo for the holidays. While dad was busy being gloomy, mom was too happy t bother too much. So as usual I end up being the punching bag of everybody's bad feelings; cause holidays are meant to be happy. The bad feelings are kept in tight as possible. -___-
WHY do I always end up being their dog? bleh.
Mom and dad DID pull a stunt and it my head off once. And dear me, did these eyes of mine cry! And did this heart of my hurt! It sure did. It sure did.
Now it's all good. Mom is still in Melbourne, patting and lving her precious lil boy. And Dad and I re back in Malaysia. Well at least I get more peace here. I can hide away and actually be alone when I want to.
Guess sometimes you just can love people from afar. Cause living with them just seems almost impossible. Loving from afar sounds good -__- Sounds just like me huh. I want to hide under my rock again please thank you!
SO over all my trip was brilliant other than the ocassional irritating-ness and me being bullied...
AND of course the fucked up pills that somehow allowed me to grow fat =( Now that I'm back in Malaysia, TO MY EXTREME DELIGHT, the other-more-effective pills are back on the shelves. And man, sometime when the frustrations in me just builds to extreme levels and I need to binge, these pills are my lil saviour poppers. If not like drug addict, nothing else comes close to discription.
I guess the past few days have proven to be a lil more than I could take. And tonight somehow made the cherry on top of the cream. Although the days were good, the chreey is not.
ARGH.
If only I could. I am beyong FUCKING PISSED BY NOW.
Its not going to be an easy one I swear. I am really really upset.
For more reasons than one.
But most of all,
You've torn down the entire wall of hope you've built.
Its not save here anymore. I am my own shield.
So...I've back.track.ed. to Melbournw. Hrboured worse than bad memories.
And now I've back.track.ed. further than Melbourne..as fr tonight. What a fear!! It's been induced.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
imitates
This is a fear I have for my future. But maybe there will be nothing to imitate by then. Cause I hope I'd be dead by the time I am ready to start a family. What's the use of dreaming, when your "dream" doesn't understand, and says hurtful things...
but...
maybe he is right. Life has more to it than being skinny.
Just that; for me..its not about being skinny. I thought you already knew. Thank you so much for listening anyway.
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
a dying disease or a dying soul
I don't know which.
I think, fear and dread that it is the disease that is dying. Because my spirit will die with it. That I am sure of.
I want to, I must, I will, I need, I have to...
stay skinny!MUST!!!
But the freaking stupid Pharmacy has run out of the pills! And it's been some time. And I'm on my last bottle. With 10 pills left!
Which means I need to go to the Sri Petaling Guardian ..argh!
I need to stock up on them AND Xenical. I need to get them before I leave for Melbourne.
I will be so anxious. Aggitated. Irritated. Frustrated.
I don't know for sure if it is the period that's made me bloated at the tummy but I can't bear the sight of it. I can't even go to the toilet more today cause I will feel so fuck ugly. I'm sleepy and bloated. And worst of all...I don't have JeremyMyPeanutButterCupcake with me. For an enitre 2 weeks. sigh
*SIGH*
I think people like me with an eating disorder that is no identified or no specific name..face worse problems then those who are full on aneroxics or bulimics.
Because we have our phases and they suck.
Abit ago I was on my Aneroxic role. Refusing to eat and when eating, only consuming salads with no dressing or hot hot clear broth soups.
Now I think I am on my Bulimic role. Eating when i feel like it or splurging and eating whatever I want. And then take all the stupid pills to excavate them calories, oil, fats....etc.. er..ok well..basically..excavate everything I have consumed for the day. INcluding my salads and fruit.
I want to be Aneroxic. Its easier. Less painful. Cheaper to maintain. Less complications.
SO why can't I stop eating?
Kenny said my body is so hungry its eating away at the fats like the breasts. lol.
Why doesn't it eat away at the ass, 'muffins' and tummy?
I wonder if I force myself to go back to healthy eating..fruit and vegetables...I might be able to just stop eating=)
I had a whole lot of meat yesterday. Now I'm in pain -__-
I had 1/4Chicken Nandos, PeriChips and coselaw for lunch.
For dinner,I had a New York steak with lots of mash and vegetables with heaps of black pepper sauce. PLUS beef nachos! All that cheese and sour cream!!! Then at night night , I got hungry and decided to eat the left over ginger chicken in the fridge. There was a good 5 pieces. I had it all..so yummy I could not resist!!!!
*SIGH*
ENOUGH FOOD FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!
But I had Pan Mee soup today..an orange and a green apple..Now I'm bloated. WIth a migraine. And I still am craving!! Its the greed? The preiod? fuck!
I want to just eat eat eat!!!
*tear*
I think, fear and dread that it is the disease that is dying. Because my spirit will die with it. That I am sure of.
I want to, I must, I will, I need, I have to...
stay skinny!MUST!!!
But the freaking stupid Pharmacy has run out of the pills! And it's been some time. And I'm on my last bottle. With 10 pills left!
Which means I need to go to the Sri Petaling Guardian ..argh!
I need to stock up on them AND Xenical. I need to get them before I leave for Melbourne.
I will be so anxious. Aggitated. Irritated. Frustrated.
I don't know for sure if it is the period that's made me bloated at the tummy but I can't bear the sight of it. I can't even go to the toilet more today cause I will feel so fuck ugly. I'm sleepy and bloated. And worst of all...I don't have JeremyMyPeanutButterCupcake with me. For an enitre 2 weeks. sigh
*SIGH*
I think people like me with an eating disorder that is no identified or no specific name..face worse problems then those who are full on aneroxics or bulimics.
Because we have our phases and they suck.
Abit ago I was on my Aneroxic role. Refusing to eat and when eating, only consuming salads with no dressing or hot hot clear broth soups.
Now I think I am on my Bulimic role. Eating when i feel like it or splurging and eating whatever I want. And then take all the stupid pills to excavate them calories, oil, fats....etc.. er..ok well..basically..excavate everything I have consumed for the day. INcluding my salads and fruit.
I want to be Aneroxic. Its easier. Less painful. Cheaper to maintain. Less complications.
SO why can't I stop eating?
Kenny said my body is so hungry its eating away at the fats like the breasts. lol.
Why doesn't it eat away at the ass, 'muffins' and tummy?
I wonder if I force myself to go back to healthy eating..fruit and vegetables...I might be able to just stop eating=)
I had a whole lot of meat yesterday. Now I'm in pain -__-
I had 1/4Chicken Nandos, PeriChips and coselaw for lunch.
For dinner,I had a New York steak with lots of mash and vegetables with heaps of black pepper sauce. PLUS beef nachos! All that cheese and sour cream!!! Then at night night , I got hungry and decided to eat the left over ginger chicken in the fridge. There was a good 5 pieces. I had it all..so yummy I could not resist!!!!
*SIGH*
ENOUGH FOOD FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!
But I had Pan Mee soup today..an orange and a green apple..Now I'm bloated. WIth a migraine. And I still am craving!! Its the greed? The preiod? fuck!
I want to just eat eat eat!!!
*tear*
Thursday, October 25, 2007
start or beginning?
i fucking hate this.
im in the middle of an emotional crisis. always bursting out into tears at moments i least expect. much stress and lack of sleep has occoured. im beginning to distaste this very much. i wonder if this is the beginning of my very disturbing journey or the ending.
i have much to say. but cannot find the words.
lay down and rest my little princess, i love you.
maybe those are the words i would rather hear. compared to that fucking angry face you gave me because you are upset at something else. i did nothing to you and i deserve nothing less.
how may i help, my love.
maybe thats what i need to hear, rather that your express of dissapointment in my lack of worthiness of someone trying to get well. maybe all you need to do is listen and actually show interest.
or maybe its just me,
always expecting SOMEONE to just be less indifferent from the rest.
maybe i expect from the wrong party.
but then again. i usually am wrong. so i am used to being told ever so often.
im tired.
i shall go lay my head and try not to cry again tonight.
tonight, its not the migraine i fear, but the lonliness in the darkness.
just like every other night, just more so tonight.
im in the middle of an emotional crisis. always bursting out into tears at moments i least expect. much stress and lack of sleep has occoured. im beginning to distaste this very much. i wonder if this is the beginning of my very disturbing journey or the ending.
i have much to say. but cannot find the words.
lay down and rest my little princess, i love you.
maybe those are the words i would rather hear. compared to that fucking angry face you gave me because you are upset at something else. i did nothing to you and i deserve nothing less.
how may i help, my love.
maybe thats what i need to hear, rather that your express of dissapointment in my lack of worthiness of someone trying to get well. maybe all you need to do is listen and actually show interest.
or maybe its just me,
always expecting SOMEONE to just be less indifferent from the rest.
maybe i expect from the wrong party.
but then again. i usually am wrong. so i am used to being told ever so often.
im tired.
i shall go lay my head and try not to cry again tonight.
tonight, its not the migraine i fear, but the lonliness in the darkness.
just like every other night, just more so tonight.
Sunday, October 21, 2007
i did it again!!!
I so am screwing up.
Last night had two Tandoori Chicks. Plus the bits and pieces. Today at brekkie I though..ok I feel like fuck, so I had clear soup with some beansprouts. By a certain time I felt like vomit so I has a cold cold pear. That helped and I purged of the feast last night. Oddly enough, I felt hungry again! AT noon! So I decided what the heck..I've still got near to 2 weeks to be skinny before I jet off to Melb and stuff my fat body with more fatty but delicious Melb food!
OH GOD! I NEED XENICAL! NOW!
Cause when I thought "Heck, I'm gonna eat." My cravings called for OILY MAX food.
Nasi Lemak..LEMAKKK... and McDONALDS! McFATTY!
Oh mannn..
SO I popped pills as usual..and more so cus the fucking sky decided to cry today...just as I stepped out from the main doors. *sigh* Not only is this thing dring me insane, it's making me rude, obonxious and rude? argh. I feel like I need to swear at me everythime Jody misbehaves and eat like a piggy. And because I was sleepy; yes I fell asleep on my table *teehehe*, I consoled my already fat and PROTUDING TUMMY that since I've already eaten Nasi LEMAK, what difference would it really make if I ate some oily chicken balls right? WRONG! Cause...when Jody does that, she thinks she's at a All-u-cat-EAT-till-u-purge buffet!!! So I went and got 6 chicken balls and 2 nuggets...YUK YUK YUKKKK-a-rammmaaa! Even just the though of it is grossing me out. But you know WHAT?
The fearless JODY thinks shes some goddammit hero and thinks that the minute she has a chance to go to Guardian to get her body soap, pregnancy test and pills..she will buy more Xenical. And mind you, Xenical ain't cheap at all. But Do I think its worth the money? HELL YEAH! I have been on it for half a year plus I'd say. And boy its bad, I know. All that air and eekk...but the relief whenever I tale a crap and see all that oil. Its like....fats be gone! Fats I can consume and still stay more or less same. PLUS..I know these are results I can see. I hate all those fiber drinks and shit..thay don't work. Not anymore. Just lots of bloatness and no shit. And nothgin happens. AHHHHHHHHH!!!
Oh I can't wait to get off work. Go to Melb and hopefully have a restful holiday where I don't eat too much. Hopefully I can start a restful night tonight. Sleep like normal..I doubt so though. The amount I've consumed today AND the pills I've taken to eleminate the consumption is beyond...beyond...thoses days where I'm-trying-cut-down-pills&get-well...
ARGH..NOW I FEEL LIKE CREAMY CAKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!fuck!
WHat's wrong with meeee??? Only two thing for NOW I can imagine...
PERIOD or PREGNANT?
Last night had two Tandoori Chicks. Plus the bits and pieces. Today at brekkie I though..ok I feel like fuck, so I had clear soup with some beansprouts. By a certain time I felt like vomit so I has a cold cold pear. That helped and I purged of the feast last night. Oddly enough, I felt hungry again! AT noon! So I decided what the heck..I've still got near to 2 weeks to be skinny before I jet off to Melb and stuff my fat body with more fatty but delicious Melb food!
OH GOD! I NEED XENICAL! NOW!
Cause when I thought "Heck, I'm gonna eat." My cravings called for OILY MAX food.
Nasi Lemak..LEMAKKK... and McDONALDS! McFATTY!
Oh mannn..
SO I popped pills as usual..and more so cus the fucking sky decided to cry today...just as I stepped out from the main doors. *sigh* Not only is this thing dring me insane, it's making me rude, obonxious and rude? argh. I feel like I need to swear at me everythime Jody misbehaves and eat like a piggy. And because I was sleepy; yes I fell asleep on my table *teehehe*, I consoled my already fat and PROTUDING TUMMY that since I've already eaten Nasi LEMAK, what difference would it really make if I ate some oily chicken balls right? WRONG! Cause...when Jody does that, she thinks she's at a All-u-cat-EAT-till-u-purge buffet!!! So I went and got 6 chicken balls and 2 nuggets...YUK YUK YUKKKK-a-rammmaaa! Even just the though of it is grossing me out. But you know WHAT?
The fearless JODY thinks shes some goddammit hero and thinks that the minute she has a chance to go to Guardian to get her body soap, pregnancy test and pills..she will buy more Xenical. And mind you, Xenical ain't cheap at all. But Do I think its worth the money? HELL YEAH! I have been on it for half a year plus I'd say. And boy its bad, I know. All that air and eekk...but the relief whenever I tale a crap and see all that oil. Its like....fats be gone! Fats I can consume and still stay more or less same. PLUS..I know these are results I can see. I hate all those fiber drinks and shit..thay don't work. Not anymore. Just lots of bloatness and no shit. And nothgin happens. AHHHHHHHHH!!!
Oh I can't wait to get off work. Go to Melb and hopefully have a restful holiday where I don't eat too much. Hopefully I can start a restful night tonight. Sleep like normal..I doubt so though. The amount I've consumed today AND the pills I've taken to eleminate the consumption is beyond...beyond...thoses days where I'm-trying-cut-down-pills&get-well...
ARGH..NOW I FEEL LIKE CREAMY CAKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!fuck!
WHat's wrong with meeee??? Only two thing for NOW I can imagine...
PERIOD or PREGNANT?
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
bits&pieces......and a void.
i feel like puke.
i can't quit the pills.
i need to hold on to something.
something that will always be there.
with or without pain; i need it.
it fills this void.
i want to be petite, cute&sexy.
i never can bear the though of being bigger than TheBoy.
like Beastly&TheBoy -.-
i want to feel like a feather..free&sipirited.i want to ultimately be 40kgs.
it would be insane nuts!
i am s sure im more than 47kgs by now.
so 40kgs would be the biggest achievement.
sucker that i am
.......................
just cause i am ready.
ready to make sacrifices.
deosn't mean others is ready.
to make THEIR sacrifice.
i cannot throw a fit.
i cannot blame or point fingers.
i cannot doubt.
i cannot get angry or irritated.
i SHOULDN'T.
because I myself chose to be transparent.
to be wholly commited.
entirely giving.
100% trusting.
and made a vow to not expect.
so i shall not want.
i will be patient for;
love is patient.
..................................
i'm irritable.
if this is how it's like to get well,
i don't want to.
i'm sick of being sick.
but i'm sicker of loosing people just cause of my irritability.
pfft fuck that!
........................................
now i'm a KDU student.
some sacrifices =)
i hope it well worth my years.
i shall pray.
.......................................
i want my business plan to work.
i want my lisence to go smoothy as planned.
i want to be a top student when i start.
i want ife to be passionate and full.
i am TRULY SICK TO HELL with all this laidback nonsense.
No satisfcaction whatsoever!!!
*sigh*
i can't quit the pills.
i need to hold on to something.
something that will always be there.
with or without pain; i need it.
it fills this void.
i want to be petite, cute&sexy.
i never can bear the though of being bigger than TheBoy.
like Beastly&TheBoy -.-
i want to feel like a feather..free&sipirited.i want to ultimately be 40kgs.
it would be insane nuts!
i am s sure im more than 47kgs by now.
so 40kgs would be the biggest achievement.
sucker that i am
.......................
just cause i am ready.
ready to make sacrifices.
deosn't mean others is ready.
to make THEIR sacrifice.
i cannot throw a fit.
i cannot blame or point fingers.
i cannot doubt.
i cannot get angry or irritated.
i SHOULDN'T.
because I myself chose to be transparent.
to be wholly commited.
entirely giving.
100% trusting.
and made a vow to not expect.
so i shall not want.
i will be patient for;
love is patient.
..................................
i'm irritable.
if this is how it's like to get well,
i don't want to.
i'm sick of being sick.
but i'm sicker of loosing people just cause of my irritability.
pfft fuck that!
........................................
now i'm a KDU student.
some sacrifices =)
i hope it well worth my years.
i shall pray.
.......................................
i want my business plan to work.
i want my lisence to go smoothy as planned.
i want to be a top student when i start.
i want ife to be passionate and full.
i am TRULY SICK TO HELL with all this laidback nonsense.
No satisfcaction whatsoever!!!
*sigh*
Thursday, October 11, 2007
again...
47kgs!!! how can! damit!
fucking hell. I KNEW IT! all that..."once more only" just doesn't work cause it's ALWAYS gonna be "just once more + just once more = FAT"
*ugh*
Doesn't help that some peolpe are smaller than me and some shrinking :(
I can't take this pressure to stay skinny. But you know; I can't loose face right? And I can't let ME down. By the end of this year I would have been so acomplished that a fat-girl image just won't fit in. I have 2kgs to loose and RAYA is tomorrow -.- What timing... Lucky I started a "food" fast yesterday. My hunger pangs have subsided and in control now. I hope I don't have to resort to pills again. Not that I have stopped entirely, I just have reduced.
But you know...McDonald's, KFC, Nandos and mamak rice and laksa and curry all sounds so yummy and tastes even better when the flavours bursts in your mouth. Oh well....
Pictures Jeremy took;
30th Sept = I had skinny arms and sharp face features
6th Oct = I still had skinny arms....
Now...12th October...I'm like Universal Award Winner for Fatty Chick -.-
I'm getting more and more insecure. I am getting less and less confortable with this body and I am covering myself more and more....well....yeah...I think I'm imune to the pain from the pills and the body doesn't respond so well anymore.....That means...If I don't watch it I will really turn into a fatty. Like a MEGA MEGA FAT one..
-____-
I think I'm loosing my mind.
Lucky I took my baking seriously yesterday and baked and baked and baked.
I need to keep my mind off "us". It's not the best of things to ponder on.
I either end up with some kind of assumption and conclude the worst. Thus, feeling like fuck later on. But...could you blame me?
I don't think so.
=(
I want to be 40kgs! I will worry no more ever again! EVERRRRRRR.....................................
ARGH FUCKING HELL IN THIS BLACK HOLEEEE FUCK FUCK FUCK............
fucking hell. I KNEW IT! all that..."once more only" just doesn't work cause it's ALWAYS gonna be "just once more + just once more = FAT"
*ugh*
Doesn't help that some peolpe are smaller than me and some shrinking :(
I can't take this pressure to stay skinny. But you know; I can't loose face right? And I can't let ME down. By the end of this year I would have been so acomplished that a fat-girl image just won't fit in. I have 2kgs to loose and RAYA is tomorrow -.- What timing... Lucky I started a "food" fast yesterday. My hunger pangs have subsided and in control now. I hope I don't have to resort to pills again. Not that I have stopped entirely, I just have reduced.
But you know...McDonald's, KFC, Nandos and mamak rice and laksa and curry all sounds so yummy and tastes even better when the flavours bursts in your mouth. Oh well....
Pictures Jeremy took;
30th Sept = I had skinny arms and sharp face features
6th Oct = I still had skinny arms....
Now...12th October...I'm like Universal Award Winner for Fatty Chick -.-
I'm getting more and more insecure. I am getting less and less confortable with this body and I am covering myself more and more....well....yeah...I think I'm imune to the pain from the pills and the body doesn't respond so well anymore.....That means...If I don't watch it I will really turn into a fatty. Like a MEGA MEGA FAT one..
-____-
I think I'm loosing my mind.
Lucky I took my baking seriously yesterday and baked and baked and baked.
I need to keep my mind off "us". It's not the best of things to ponder on.
I either end up with some kind of assumption and conclude the worst. Thus, feeling like fuck later on. But...could you blame me?
I don't think so.
=(
I want to be 40kgs! I will worry no more ever again! EVERRRRRRR.....................................
ARGH FUCKING HELL IN THIS BLACK HOLEEEE FUCK FUCK FUCK............
Saturday, October 6, 2007
just ain't good enough
I just am not doing well.
I thought I could hold up and prolong the "getting wel" stage. I thought it would help if I just stick to eating all the healthy stuff. Yet I crave for the unthinkable at the weirdest ways and times. Today iself I've had dim sun, sushi, curry laksa, juiceworks, yougart smootie, a full on chow choi dinner and doughnut AND strawberries. That a might hell load of food I've consumed non-stop in a day!!!!!!
WHat's worse is...I think my body actually absorbed some of it!! @_@
I hate me.
I hate the cravings.
I hate this and I want to get wel but stay skinny...skinnier is better.
AH....I think I'm just tired. Very tired.
.
..
...
..
.
On another topic;
I've come to a realise that no matter how much I wish Alicia to vanish from the face of KL....I can't get rid of her and I can't hide from her. Ok, so I don't really care if I bumped into her one day; even while when with Jeremy.
I just cannot stand that; like it or not, will be part of Jeremy's life. Directly or indirectly. For a long more time to come. First it was people saying stuid things like, "Oh, change gf edy??", right in front of my face!!! fuckers.
I thought that would last for awhile. But now...somehow or rather, Alicia is brought up. Pfft. I don't hate her, I just dispise/dislike her, for reasons valid enough to feel such a way. And to justify my fucked-up feelings; simply put, I want nothing to have of her and especially to do with the one I love.
But I cannot stop the rest of the people. SO I have to stop myself.
Stop me from caring too much about the things I worry about. And maybe stop caring altogether. He is he and he can do as he wants. I will trust his judgements to not let my feelings bruise.
Words are still just words at the end of the day.
I thought I could hold up and prolong the "getting wel" stage. I thought it would help if I just stick to eating all the healthy stuff. Yet I crave for the unthinkable at the weirdest ways and times. Today iself I've had dim sun, sushi, curry laksa, juiceworks, yougart smootie, a full on chow choi dinner and doughnut AND strawberries. That a might hell load of food I've consumed non-stop in a day!!!!!!
WHat's worse is...I think my body actually absorbed some of it!! @_@
I hate me.
I hate the cravings.
I hate this and I want to get wel but stay skinny...skinnier is better.
AH....I think I'm just tired. Very tired.
.
..
...
..
.
On another topic;
I've come to a realise that no matter how much I wish Alicia to vanish from the face of KL....I can't get rid of her and I can't hide from her. Ok, so I don't really care if I bumped into her one day; even while when with Jeremy.
I just cannot stand that; like it or not, will be part of Jeremy's life. Directly or indirectly. For a long more time to come. First it was people saying stuid things like, "Oh, change gf edy??", right in front of my face!!! fuckers.
I thought that would last for awhile. But now...somehow or rather, Alicia is brought up. Pfft. I don't hate her, I just dispise/dislike her, for reasons valid enough to feel such a way. And to justify my fucked-up feelings; simply put, I want nothing to have of her and especially to do with the one I love.
But I cannot stop the rest of the people. SO I have to stop myself.
Stop me from caring too much about the things I worry about. And maybe stop caring altogether. He is he and he can do as he wants. I will trust his judgements to not let my feelings bruise.
Words are still just words at the end of the day.
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
it won't spread...
I've figured that...
What they don't know, won't hurt!
What I don't SAY, they won't know! =)
So..from now on, I guess I'm on my own again =) hehe
Although; what I read bout the transplants of liver caused my heart failure and all that fuckshit; did scare me. But only for awhile, I guess.
*bohoo*
I never win. SO
SHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
What they don't know, won't hurt!
What I don't SAY, they won't know! =)
So..from now on, I guess I'm on my own again =) hehe
Although; what I read bout the transplants of liver caused my heart failure and all that fuckshit; did scare me. But only for awhile, I guess.
*bohoo*
I never win. SO
SHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Sunday, September 30, 2007
Now what?
What happens when it comes down to this?
My ED is out of control. Its taken control of me.
The boyfriend is busy at work; I cannot blame him for which.
And the parents are oblivious to the situation as much.
I'm feeling very insecure and more so fragile; now more than ever.
I burst into lil fits of tears and think I'm gonna die. Well, I feel like I want to at that moment. And somtimes it lasts for long periods, sometimes not so long. But it's been happening more and more. And what's SCARIEST is the constant worry that the boyfriend will leave me one day because of this.
And it sure as hell does not help that the ex of the boyfriend is looking pretty hot. He might begin to crave the comfort of what he used to have, such freedom of the mind without a burden. @__@
I think I'm going insane. It's not my place to judge nor is it my right to mistrust the boyfriend. He's not done anything to gain nor loose the trust. Its indifferent still. One day he surely will get tired of my ever changing moods, unexpected bursts and uncontrolable insanity.
I just don't understand how or why he would stay for long if it's going to take almost forever to make me wake up from this disaster? He say's because he loves me. Great. I love that fact, but still I cannot comprehend. I don't think I can. I don't know how to let anyone love me, not till I begin to love myself. This; so I was told. The harsh reality is that.
Not only is this idiocy taking a toll on my body, but my mind too. I cannot even to being express the fear I have in me. One thing's for sure; I fear being lonely and I hate loosing. So; childish as this may seem. Stupid as it may be. This is the unfortunate truth of my very warped thinking :
If I became the hottest/most beautiful/prettiest/most desirable; he'll never have to look at another girl. And I have to; because its my job to, make sure that I do not loose to the ex or his past flames and interests.
But when will tihis all stop?
I would like to know. Because its getting scarier and scarier. How long more can I hide this from mom and dad. Soon they will realise "No shes not vomiting cus shes pregnant or having a diarreah cus of the chilli and curry." Its impossible. And soon mom will also realise that "Oh its not her smoking that made her get the headaches etc etc; cus she's stopped.." They WILL begin to question. But will they do anything? I doubt. AND secretely inside, I feel reliefed.
And as I lay on the couch cryingvI thought to myself; "What if someone was daring enough to take it up to my parents and point it out to them?''
Will I go mad? A little I think. BUt somewhere inside inside inside inside inside...deep deep down..I think ONE cell said, YES PLEASE DO TELL THEM. And the rest of my body, mind and soul is fighting that.
Most of the time I think I want to push the limits and let it get soooo bad; just so I could punish someone. And myself for the lack of determination. Or to make the sickness worth its while. Because...whats the point of having a disorder if its not bad enought to get hospitilized right? What would people say? "She was just playing around and fooling us all for the attention." Probably would happen that way. Crazy as it seems, I do wonder how it feels lke to be hospitilized and forced to get well.
*sigh*
I think I've got ED-Brain Diarrea. I shouldn't even be typing this out. I hope I can trust YOU enough to keep this to yourself for as long as you can. Till I'm nearly broken. Sorry =(
My ED is out of control. Its taken control of me.
The boyfriend is busy at work; I cannot blame him for which.
And the parents are oblivious to the situation as much.
I'm feeling very insecure and more so fragile; now more than ever.
I burst into lil fits of tears and think I'm gonna die. Well, I feel like I want to at that moment. And somtimes it lasts for long periods, sometimes not so long. But it's been happening more and more. And what's SCARIEST is the constant worry that the boyfriend will leave me one day because of this.
And it sure as hell does not help that the ex of the boyfriend is looking pretty hot. He might begin to crave the comfort of what he used to have, such freedom of the mind without a burden. @__@
I think I'm going insane. It's not my place to judge nor is it my right to mistrust the boyfriend. He's not done anything to gain nor loose the trust. Its indifferent still. One day he surely will get tired of my ever changing moods, unexpected bursts and uncontrolable insanity.
I just don't understand how or why he would stay for long if it's going to take almost forever to make me wake up from this disaster? He say's because he loves me. Great. I love that fact, but still I cannot comprehend. I don't think I can. I don't know how to let anyone love me, not till I begin to love myself. This; so I was told. The harsh reality is that.
Not only is this idiocy taking a toll on my body, but my mind too. I cannot even to being express the fear I have in me. One thing's for sure; I fear being lonely and I hate loosing. So; childish as this may seem. Stupid as it may be. This is the unfortunate truth of my very warped thinking :
If I became the hottest/most beautiful/prettiest/most desirable; he'll never have to look at another girl. And I have to; because its my job to, make sure that I do not loose to the ex or his past flames and interests.
But when will tihis all stop?
I would like to know. Because its getting scarier and scarier. How long more can I hide this from mom and dad. Soon they will realise "No shes not vomiting cus shes pregnant or having a diarreah cus of the chilli and curry." Its impossible. And soon mom will also realise that "Oh its not her smoking that made her get the headaches etc etc; cus she's stopped.." They WILL begin to question. But will they do anything? I doubt. AND secretely inside, I feel reliefed.
And as I lay on the couch cryingvI thought to myself; "What if someone was daring enough to take it up to my parents and point it out to them?''
Will I go mad? A little I think. BUt somewhere inside inside inside inside inside...deep deep down..I think ONE cell said, YES PLEASE DO TELL THEM. And the rest of my body, mind and soul is fighting that.
Most of the time I think I want to push the limits and let it get soooo bad; just so I could punish someone. And myself for the lack of determination. Or to make the sickness worth its while. Because...whats the point of having a disorder if its not bad enought to get hospitilized right? What would people say? "She was just playing around and fooling us all for the attention." Probably would happen that way. Crazy as it seems, I do wonder how it feels lke to be hospitilized and forced to get well.
*sigh*
I think I've got ED-Brain Diarrea. I shouldn't even be typing this out. I hope I can trust YOU enough to keep this to yourself for as long as you can. Till I'm nearly broken. Sorry =(
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Of a confused mind...
If I can feel, why can't I cry it all out?
Too cold, too numb, too broken.
It's not the time of the month where my period comes; oh wait, I don't know when it'll come. Its screwed.
I'm not depressed; oh wait, maybe that's the dryness in my mouth.
I'm not sucidal. I certainaly am not.
Maybe I'm bored with life? But how could it be? I've got so many dreams; so much to achieve; so much to see; so much to do..kids to have =l *blink*
No, life is full of things to do and be joyous about. There too much beauty in it to give up now. Too much effort and strength I've put in to pull out now.
I'm just very lonely.
I'm alone. And lonely.
I especially cannot handle being the only one left at home when all mom and dad does it argue about bits and pieces, talk bout investment, discuss Joy and Jason, B&P Ministires...and everything else under the bleeding sun and moon. Yet have no time to actually get to know the daughter they lost years ago.
piew!!!
I should go get my license!
I should also STOP saying "I should" and just get it done.
Then that way I can do whatever I want, whenever I want and go wherever I want when it suits me and pleases me. And I will never have to listen to mom complain about the jam and then sleep for hours on end, only to wake up to play her Soduko or talk about Jason-whom-she-cannot-live-without.
Neither do I ever have to listen to dad say things like "Mom fetch you ah?Wahhhhhhh."
errrr...I can't drive? Duh Mom fetched me.
And all that other irritating things they like to say and complain about.
And assumptions...oh those assumptions.
I bet mom thought I was "down" last night cause I Jeremy didn't make it to come play lentern with me. I SWEAR she thought that. In actual fact I was trying to pull a straight face to not die from those missed heart beats and that sharp pain in my belly and the tight chest. Oh for crying out loud; I was pratically gasping for bloody oxygen!!
Ugh.
I think I have alot of bitterness, anger and hurt inside I need to rid myself of.
I need to unstone this heart perhaps?
Soon one day.
Hopefully.
Oh Lord!! Oh Lord??
If kingdoms bown down and prise Your name. Sing worship to You. Pray in power and faith to You.
And if kingdoms turn to see; Your love is the greatest gift of all and ALL and ONLY love they can depend on;
WHY can't ONE small person such as I turn to see that?
That Your love is ALL I should ever depend on?
Ever.
..................................................................................................................................................................
Trails of disappointment.
Disappointment after after disappointment.
What they say is not what they mean and yet somehow I blindly chose to believe.
Or am I just paranoid?
SOmehow I believe I am NOT. Not THIS time.
I am worried sick and I haven't an escape from this Eating Disorder.
I am SICK SICK SICK of being SICK!
What is life in living a life full of worries and pain?
I can't put in a thing without thinking "Oh God I've sinned!"
Or if I decided I'll be good and eat NORMALLY; I'd take so many pills I can't breathe. Or end up vomiting the next day. Or Worrying I'll drop cold out due to irregular heart beats. Or black out walking up the stairs or in the hot shower.
Or even if I had a normal meal and not take those pills...I'll be worried sick of its aftermath.
I'm beginning to worry. If I may please be ALLOWED to worry. Or need I ask permission from those around me????
I never fear it this much until now.
My period has come as and when it pleased the last four times.
I am ALWAYS ut of breath.
My chest is constantly hurting.
And I always miss a heart beat or have my heart beating too fast.
My heart is not focuse on anything anymore and I've frankly lost interest in life as a whole. I'm just too tired to care.
Tonight I feel this deep urge inside of me, waiting to ball out. I want to cry and let loose my fears.
But who's there to catch it? Noone. Noone I thought can depend on.
But God is always there ready to hold me close...so why can't I get near?
I know I must and I know its m only answer.
Do I have to give up much more?
I don't know.
I don't know much.
I just know I'm too ashamed to draw near to You.
But Lord I need help so very desperately.
PLEASE hold me while I cry myself dry tonight??? Its been too long away.
.
..
...
I feel weird talking to God like this.
I guess its the only way to sum up this mixed feelings I've had.
So much to say, so little words to put it together.
So much emotions, so little energy to show it.
I need sleep. A good one.
And if kingdoms turn to see; Your love is the greatest gift of all and ALL and ONLY love they can depend on;
WHY can't ONE small person such as I turn to see that?
That Your love is ALL I should ever depend on?
Ever.
..................................................................................................................................................................
Trails of disappointment.
Disappointment after after disappointment.
What they say is not what they mean and yet somehow I blindly chose to believe.
Or am I just paranoid?
SOmehow I believe I am NOT. Not THIS time.
I am worried sick and I haven't an escape from this Eating Disorder.
I am SICK SICK SICK of being SICK!
What is life in living a life full of worries and pain?
I can't put in a thing without thinking "Oh God I've sinned!"
Or if I decided I'll be good and eat NORMALLY; I'd take so many pills I can't breathe. Or end up vomiting the next day. Or Worrying I'll drop cold out due to irregular heart beats. Or black out walking up the stairs or in the hot shower.
Or even if I had a normal meal and not take those pills...I'll be worried sick of its aftermath.
I'm beginning to worry. If I may please be ALLOWED to worry. Or need I ask permission from those around me????
I never fear it this much until now.
My period has come as and when it pleased the last four times.
I am ALWAYS ut of breath.
My chest is constantly hurting.
And I always miss a heart beat or have my heart beating too fast.
My heart is not focuse on anything anymore and I've frankly lost interest in life as a whole. I'm just too tired to care.
Tonight I feel this deep urge inside of me, waiting to ball out. I want to cry and let loose my fears.
But who's there to catch it? Noone. Noone I thought can depend on.
But God is always there ready to hold me close...so why can't I get near?
I know I must and I know its m only answer.
Do I have to give up much more?
I don't know.
I don't know much.
I just know I'm too ashamed to draw near to You.
But Lord I need help so very desperately.
PLEASE hold me while I cry myself dry tonight??? Its been too long away.
.
..
...
I feel weird talking to God like this.
I guess its the only way to sum up this mixed feelings I've had.
So much to say, so little words to put it together.
So much emotions, so little energy to show it.
I need sleep. A good one.
Monday, September 24, 2007
50 cents worth my money......
RM2.50 for a bowl of beehoon soup.
Comes with 2 small fishballs, a few strips of fried foo chok, some shreded chicken and lots of taugae(YUM!).
Best part is; the HOT soup!!! bloody perfect.
But RM2.50 for that is so not worth MY money! I only consume 50 cents worth of it!!! which consist of 98% soup! lol
oh well................
I think I'm going insane. My ass feels....weird. Tight! And it sure hurts to sit.ESPECIALLY when I cross my legs! Its like as if the buttocks skin is being pulled tightly around my ass bones...if asses have bones. Its just stranious. ANd it hurts bad.
Oh Holy mother of Mary! I feel like I'm gonna puke now............
Maybe my 50 cents should have stretched...or...not spend it at all in the first place?
Oh God KNOWS how much I suffer!
My poor ass!
lol.
Comes with 2 small fishballs, a few strips of fried foo chok, some shreded chicken and lots of taugae(YUM!).
Best part is; the HOT soup!!! bloody perfect.
But RM2.50 for that is so not worth MY money! I only consume 50 cents worth of it!!! which consist of 98% soup! lol
oh well................
I think I'm going insane. My ass feels....weird. Tight! And it sure hurts to sit.ESPECIALLY when I cross my legs! Its like as if the buttocks skin is being pulled tightly around my ass bones...if asses have bones. Its just stranious. ANd it hurts bad.
Oh Holy mother of Mary! I feel like I'm gonna puke now............
Maybe my 50 cents should have stretched...or...not spend it at all in the first place?
Oh God KNOWS how much I suffer!
My poor ass!
lol.
Sunday, September 23, 2007
Thoughts that Destory
Thursday and Friday were absolute hell and pleasure all at the same time. Hell first then comes the pleasure.
But Saturday and Sunday was aroad of Pleasure and then Hell...pleasure first and the hell.
The days leading up to Thursday and Friday I was consuming so much pills I nearly puked and shit my insides out. But I woke up satisfied with the caved stomache I had staring back at me in the hard cold mirror. Nothing can bring that feeling of pure satisfaction. NOTHING!
Then Saturday and Sunday were good bacause I did not take the pils. I had Jeremy and food and good times with him. I even had good times with my colleagus and at KimBoon's wedding etc. I had KFC, the wedding lunch and Dominos in ONE day =)...Now I feel bloated and fat and bit expand-ed at the mid-driff. But was it worth while? Yes!
But Now I want to loose MORE weight than ever before....
is that mad? I hope not. Cause even though the weighing scales told me I was 45kgs that past two mornings of my caved in tummy, I sure don't look like a 45kg's to me. I sure don't!
I look as bad as a girl with 70 bloody heavy kg's on a small frame.
THAT you would call a fat ass sucker...and I look like one!
OH MAN!
DISASTEROUS!
.............................................................Pioowwwwwwwwwww*******
But Saturday and Sunday was aroad of Pleasure and then Hell...pleasure first and the hell.
The days leading up to Thursday and Friday I was consuming so much pills I nearly puked and shit my insides out. But I woke up satisfied with the caved stomache I had staring back at me in the hard cold mirror. Nothing can bring that feeling of pure satisfaction. NOTHING!
Then Saturday and Sunday were good bacause I did not take the pils. I had Jeremy and food and good times with him. I even had good times with my colleagus and at KimBoon's wedding etc. I had KFC, the wedding lunch and Dominos in ONE day =)...Now I feel bloated and fat and bit expand-ed at the mid-driff. But was it worth while? Yes!
But Now I want to loose MORE weight than ever before....
is that mad? I hope not. Cause even though the weighing scales told me I was 45kgs that past two mornings of my caved in tummy, I sure don't look like a 45kg's to me. I sure don't!
I look as bad as a girl with 70 bloody heavy kg's on a small frame.
THAT you would call a fat ass sucker...and I look like one!
OH MAN!
DISASTEROUS!
.............................................................Pioowwwwwwwwwww*******
Side Step Fears
This I found, got me thinking.
Abit more than normal.
But will I change even for this fear???
Or did I side step my fears AGAIN and went around it and thought that adopting would solve all my problems?
I know I must be wrong somewhere in the line of thinking.
Add that missing link; someone, anyone!
Friday, September 21, 2007
For The Sake of Insecurities?
ok so on normal days I try eat like this............ if i could and survive the aches AND work AND pretending to be ok in front of them parents...
but I know better than that cause my body is getting skinnier and skinnier...I feel it in the bed.
I sleep on one side and have the need to roll over to the other side.
Soon enough the sores get to that side too, and I roll over again.
When I can take it no more I lie on my back...but THAT hurts to..
so I try to lie on my chest.
By then, I'm exhausted and my insides would have gotten enough exercise to allow my bowel movements to begin.
So I go sit on the throne and excavate my entire beings out...ugh...and THAT takes a good...30 minutes to an hour.....
Then It's back to bed rolling.
No wonder my body gave in the last two days.
Then I go examine my body.
Stark naked in front of the mirror...
Early in the morning.
I see my hip bones jutting out without me even trying anymore;
and I am glad!
and I feel relifed..
and I feel the overwhelming sense of achievement...as painful as the process had been and as much sufering I had to endure, it somehow feels...
WORTH IT........ ???? does it?
AT 45kgs, I scare myself and the kind of joy I pleasure myself in.
I worry.
I cannot concentrate, my eyes don't focus on anything for more than a minute, my eye bags constantly burn burn burnnnn....
My brain feels like as if it's being squeezed of its juices, I feel aloof, floaty and all dreamy...
My bones crack like an old woman's, I get sharp pains like as if getting arthiritist, I go numb if I don't move a limb for a minute....
My heart rate goes up by 10 notches if I stood up, walked over to the table and picked up the newspaper.....
I am out of breath after climbing the flight of stairs at home...it's worse if I'd just eaten or am carrying something...
I am constantly getting gastric, and savoury cravings....
and there's more...
I've even finally lost count of my pains and problems.
I think I bore them all to hell when I tell them bout it.
I've quit smoking cause I'm too weak to take the dizziness.
Oh heavens on earth...
At 45kgs, I thought I'd finally be happy...but ...
I still think I'm just too big.
I just want to be thinner.
MUCH MUCH THINNER>
And I know I've made so many promises about getting well,
but secretly inside me,
deep down,
I dare not..
I JUST WANT TO GET THINNER!
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
Wrong Pills or Wrong Dosage?
WELLLL...
to begin with, these pills aren't even herb based. All drugs. What do I expect right? So I feel myself shitting out things I've consumed, like as if I have diorreah after eating at the dirtiest mamak around town. Funny thing is, it's all so liquid. That means, all the electrolytes, salts and nutrients comes out at the same time. So I am getting weaker and weaker. Which is BAD. I need to slow down on the pill intake; BIG TIME!
So, that's what I did after that rojak-vomiting incident. And today I took merely 5 pills. A vast improvement from 10 or 20 pills. Yet, after lunch of just a bowl of "pan mee" , which of course I only consumed the soup and "liew", I had the most unpleasent series of burping! And THEN, the volcanic eruption of fake vomit came! Dammit I hate that. I rather just vomit straight!
Anyway, I sat there thinking; "NO!!I will not vomit today, I want to get well so keep it in. It was just so minimal I ate!" And here I was so desperately wanting to get well and keeping my food in, but defy logic, I HAD to vomit. So I gather myself up and everything; now this is beyond even me when I want to vomit, and went to the toilet and shoved my fingers down my throat. I am beyond what happened today. How can it be that FIVE pills, without even a Xenical mind you! I feel so pissed.
Things are never 100% the way you want it.
BEACOLUX is a drug based laxative : doesn't smell, small and in a bottle for easy access.
SENOKAT (or whatever the spelling) is a herb based laxative : smells, bigger and in the plastic cases; have to press out one by one.
Best thing bout the drug is; its cheaper. So that's where all my money have been going. I think I should go back to taking the herb, it doesn't make me vomit!!!! @_@
*sigh*
Still can't comprehend! All I ate was FRUITS and the Pan Mee SOUP! People who don't know about the pills say that my body system is too used to not consuming that I can stand a day without food and not feel hungry! And that the minute I put anything IN the system will tell the body to make it go OUT!
Now I feel so neausated I am scared of the pills. I just know that when I feel better I will go and let my fucking itchy fingers grab that little bottle and pop a few of those orange things that are killing me! *sigh*
If only I had the determination like I THINK I have.
I want to die right now. Period.
to begin with, these pills aren't even herb based. All drugs. What do I expect right? So I feel myself shitting out things I've consumed, like as if I have diorreah after eating at the dirtiest mamak around town. Funny thing is, it's all so liquid. That means, all the electrolytes, salts and nutrients comes out at the same time. So I am getting weaker and weaker. Which is BAD. I need to slow down on the pill intake; BIG TIME!
So, that's what I did after that rojak-vomiting incident. And today I took merely 5 pills. A vast improvement from 10 or 20 pills. Yet, after lunch of just a bowl of "pan mee" , which of course I only consumed the soup and "liew", I had the most unpleasent series of burping! And THEN, the volcanic eruption of fake vomit came! Dammit I hate that. I rather just vomit straight!
Anyway, I sat there thinking; "NO!!I will not vomit today, I want to get well so keep it in. It was just so minimal I ate!" And here I was so desperately wanting to get well and keeping my food in, but defy logic, I HAD to vomit. So I gather myself up and everything; now this is beyond even me when I want to vomit, and went to the toilet and shoved my fingers down my throat. I am beyond what happened today. How can it be that FIVE pills, without even a Xenical mind you! I feel so pissed.
Things are never 100% the way you want it.
BEACOLUX is a drug based laxative : doesn't smell, small and in a bottle for easy access.
SENOKAT (or whatever the spelling) is a herb based laxative : smells, bigger and in the plastic cases; have to press out one by one.
Best thing bout the drug is; its cheaper. So that's where all my money have been going. I think I should go back to taking the herb, it doesn't make me vomit!!!! @_@
But so..what's worse? BEACOLUX or SENOKAT? jeez.....I like BEACOLUX cause I shit more out? Makes me thinner, faster....BUT I cannot take the vomiting!!!!! And God knows how much more I have to suffer! I have 4 MORE full bottles of 'em! Good grcious, I will be a STICK by the end of it all!
*sigh*
Still can't comprehend! All I ate was FRUITS and the Pan Mee SOUP! People who don't know about the pills say that my body system is too used to not consuming that I can stand a day without food and not feel hungry! And that the minute I put anything IN the system will tell the body to make it go OUT!
Now I feel so neausated I am scared of the pills. I just know that when I feel better I will go and let my fucking itchy fingers grab that little bottle and pop a few of those orange things that are killing me! *sigh*
If only I had the determination like I THINK I have.
I want to die right now. Period.
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Used Goods?
So how do I put this into words without sounding like a slut?
Well...ok so I spent more money today; all on Jeremy. Not that I mind spending the money, really I don't.
It's just that;
If you really want/need the sex, could it not be like as if I'm nothing more than a vagina to you?
Ok, so maybe you didn't intend for it to be like that. Still......U oack up and leave just in a flash. Oh God. Could you make me feel anymore
USED?
DIRT-LIKE?
SLUT?
*sigh*
I guess this is some of the little prices I have to pay for dating a boy in a production house? Always busy, always rushing, always last minute.
But a little bit more respect please thank you!
Well...ok so I spent more money today; all on Jeremy. Not that I mind spending the money, really I don't.
It's just that;
If you really want/need the sex, could it not be like as if I'm nothing more than a vagina to you?
Ok, so maybe you didn't intend for it to be like that. Still......U oack up and leave just in a flash. Oh God. Could you make me feel anymore
USED?
DIRT-LIKE?
SLUT?
*sigh*
I guess this is some of the little prices I have to pay for dating a boy in a production house? Always busy, always rushing, always last minute.
But a little bit more respect please thank you!
Monday, September 17, 2007
And so it is....
And soo...IT is..
Yesterday I was itchy and went had some Singapore rojak. At about 2ish. At about 6ish; I was waiting for mom to come get me and I, being the little piggy that I ma, had a little bit more of that SIngapore rojak, which at that time seemed so tempting and delicious.
The crispy prawn fritter.
The fried white tofu.
The chewy big succelent squid.
And the spicy oily peanut sauce; much like satay sauce.
I felt 'syok' beyon belief!
But by dinner time, I got greedy. I had some chicken wings and a lil bit of Jawa Mee. Little did I know, I would feel soo bloodycrappy!
At 8is, we got back and I was sitting on the sofa, my feet firmly stuck into the Ogawa (or is it the iPamper, whatever). I had it go for a few rounds until I had to switch it off because I started to feel like a pregnant woman with morning sickness. And not being a usual consumer, I felt bloody sleepy, mind you I don't usually eat this much!
My body tilted to the side and my head slided to my shoulder, which later caused a massive neck ache.
But WHO CARE bout the bloody neck ache when all I could think of is, "I feel like vomiting, not because I want to go vomit but because I feel neauseated!"
Not normal. Very adnormal!
I dragged my fat ass off to bed and plopped myself AND my white bag down onto my bed. I don't usually fall asleep without a shower cause I believe in hygene and cleaniness. But this night, I couldn't fight the gravity pulling me towards the bed. I feel right down into the fresh sheets, my face and belly facing the bed. Lying the wrong direction, in desperate attempt to make sure I wake and take a shower "soon". At 10 p.m.; a vibrating object on my left woke me in a jolt. It was Josh. The Chay! He absolutely made my day; as crappy as I felt, he asked me for a favour. What a sweet little boy like him could ask for? He wanted cupcakes for his friend's coming back, on Thursday. After that pleasent surprise, I pulled my fucking fat ass off the bed and took the fastest shower in history. I soaped myself twice, somehow I thought I could wash off the oily grimy feeling. WRONG! oh poopers!
I dried myself and fell right into bed, this time the right way round, but totally in the nude =) finally, a bit of comfort!My period came and left in a matter of a couple of days, so no worries of staining nor bleeding or leakage or whatever the heck that comes with the blood! I ruffled my bed spread and curled up to the exact spot and fell asleep, I dare not say "fell fast asleep" as my sleep was well disturbed last night.
All the time I had my stomach churning. And churning. And churning!!! And in the midts of all that churning, I tried to distrach myself by replying Jeremy's texts. Poor baby was still at work!!!!! O_O
He left office at nearly 3 a.m. and did he usual; he rung me! My sweet little boy. But half way through; a huge lup of air escaped my belly and out it came from my mouth. A sour metal taste reached the back of my jaws, and thats when I knew. It was coming. I scurried to the toilet and stood above my toilet bowl, only to my dismay to find nothing. I went back to bed and apologized to Jeremy for such a sudden cut off on the phone. He rung back and I had an agonizing time on the phone! I swear I tried my best! Sorry baby!
By 3 aomething, obviously Jeremy had to sleep, so I rested my head and let my eye lids close tightly shut. Minutes later, that AWFUL shour metal taste came back and I ran to the toilet, panic!!!
OUT CAME A WONDERFUL WOOOOSHHHH OF VOMIT!
Smelly to the word; VOMIT!
My eitire consumption from morning till night came out of me I swear. I nearly choked!
I've not vomited like a normal human for the past 5 years.....always purging myself.
So this time was a horrible experience!!!!
Oh God! Oh God! Oh God!
I need to stop taking laxatives!
Because; last night I found out, not only does it make me ahit like fuck and escevates me of everything including liquids, it also makes me vomit!
DAMMIT!!!
I'm screwed.
-___-
Yesterday I was itchy and went had some Singapore rojak. At about 2ish. At about 6ish; I was waiting for mom to come get me and I, being the little piggy that I ma, had a little bit more of that SIngapore rojak, which at that time seemed so tempting and delicious.
The crispy prawn fritter.
The fried white tofu.
The chewy big succelent squid.
And the spicy oily peanut sauce; much like satay sauce.
I felt 'syok' beyon belief!
But by dinner time, I got greedy. I had some chicken wings and a lil bit of Jawa Mee. Little did I know, I would feel soo bloodycrappy!
At 8is, we got back and I was sitting on the sofa, my feet firmly stuck into the Ogawa (or is it the iPamper, whatever). I had it go for a few rounds until I had to switch it off because I started to feel like a pregnant woman with morning sickness. And not being a usual consumer, I felt bloody sleepy, mind you I don't usually eat this much!
My body tilted to the side and my head slided to my shoulder, which later caused a massive neck ache.
But WHO CARE bout the bloody neck ache when all I could think of is, "I feel like vomiting, not because I want to go vomit but because I feel neauseated!"
Not normal. Very adnormal!
I dragged my fat ass off to bed and plopped myself AND my white bag down onto my bed. I don't usually fall asleep without a shower cause I believe in hygene and cleaniness. But this night, I couldn't fight the gravity pulling me towards the bed. I feel right down into the fresh sheets, my face and belly facing the bed. Lying the wrong direction, in desperate attempt to make sure I wake and take a shower "soon". At 10 p.m.; a vibrating object on my left woke me in a jolt. It was Josh. The Chay! He absolutely made my day; as crappy as I felt, he asked me for a favour. What a sweet little boy like him could ask for? He wanted cupcakes for his friend's coming back, on Thursday. After that pleasent surprise, I pulled my fucking fat ass off the bed and took the fastest shower in history. I soaped myself twice, somehow I thought I could wash off the oily grimy feeling. WRONG! oh poopers!
I dried myself and fell right into bed, this time the right way round, but totally in the nude =) finally, a bit of comfort!My period came and left in a matter of a couple of days, so no worries of staining nor bleeding or leakage or whatever the heck that comes with the blood! I ruffled my bed spread and curled up to the exact spot and fell asleep, I dare not say "fell fast asleep" as my sleep was well disturbed last night.
All the time I had my stomach churning. And churning. And churning!!! And in the midts of all that churning, I tried to distrach myself by replying Jeremy's texts. Poor baby was still at work!!!!! O_O
He left office at nearly 3 a.m. and did he usual; he rung me! My sweet little boy. But half way through; a huge lup of air escaped my belly and out it came from my mouth. A sour metal taste reached the back of my jaws, and thats when I knew. It was coming. I scurried to the toilet and stood above my toilet bowl, only to my dismay to find nothing. I went back to bed and apologized to Jeremy for such a sudden cut off on the phone. He rung back and I had an agonizing time on the phone! I swear I tried my best! Sorry baby!
By 3 aomething, obviously Jeremy had to sleep, so I rested my head and let my eye lids close tightly shut. Minutes later, that AWFUL shour metal taste came back and I ran to the toilet, panic!!!
OUT CAME A WONDERFUL WOOOOSHHHH OF VOMIT!
Smelly to the word; VOMIT!
My eitire consumption from morning till night came out of me I swear. I nearly choked!
I've not vomited like a normal human for the past 5 years.....always purging myself.
So this time was a horrible experience!!!!
Oh God! Oh God! Oh God!
I need to stop taking laxatives!
Because; last night I found out, not only does it make me ahit like fuck and escevates me of everything including liquids, it also makes me vomit!
DAMMIT!!!
I'm screwed.
-___-
Thursday, September 13, 2007
pathetic me?
i think so.
I think I've not been fair to Jeremy. I know he's been super busy; and for me to demand more from him? I think I'm just not understanding enough?
But what can I say?
He used to give me all the time he could, no matter how busy he would be. Ok...maybe that was when he was excited bout us? Maybe the excitement has died out for him too? Or MAYBE he just is way busy the way he says he is???
WHY CAN'T I UNDERSTAND?
I love him to bits...I do.
*should stop saying that; I might think I'm persuading myself to be in love*
I know I love him; no questions about THAT!
I just worry..I sure am a worrier.
But blame me not for worrying I'll loose one I love so much? And I'm too screwed in the head to see that all I'm doing is ruining it all!!!
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
I must get a life. I must bake more and learn to drive. Maybe get a second job! Yes! That might be good; especially for my bank account!
*kaaaaaaaaa ccchHHHIIINNGGGG!!!*
$$$$$$
ohh the joys that money can buy me. the lil joys!
haha ok so that should NOT be my goal...but...for now
moeny sure can buy me a smile!
=)
I think I've not been fair to Jeremy. I know he's been super busy; and for me to demand more from him? I think I'm just not understanding enough?
But what can I say?
He used to give me all the time he could, no matter how busy he would be. Ok...maybe that was when he was excited bout us? Maybe the excitement has died out for him too? Or MAYBE he just is way busy the way he says he is???
WHY CAN'T I UNDERSTAND?
I love him to bits...I do.
*should stop saying that; I might think I'm persuading myself to be in love*
I know I love him; no questions about THAT!
I just worry..I sure am a worrier.
But blame me not for worrying I'll loose one I love so much? And I'm too screwed in the head to see that all I'm doing is ruining it all!!!
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
I must get a life. I must bake more and learn to drive. Maybe get a second job! Yes! That might be good; especially for my bank account!
*kaaaaaaaaa ccchHHHIIINNGGGG!!!*
$$$$$$
ohh the joys that money can buy me. the lil joys!
haha ok so that should NOT be my goal...but...for now
moeny sure can buy me a smile!
=)
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
PhD. I'd say!!!
i have a sudden need for emotional diarreah. ok well...not sudden. Its been awhile now. I need a better way to unload all this crap off me, cause of late;
I'm so *goddammit* too damn fucking busy being ED's girlfriend; I forgot how to be Jeremy's girlfriend.
I'm ashamed and downright guilty of foul play! I swear I don't mean it..but how can I help myself anymore? I was and have been busy making a life with ED was before I even knew Jeremy's existance! Oh Lord! How can I erase a past of FIVE whole years and try replace it with a mere 2 to 3 months?
I'm sad. Deep within I want to be without ED. I want to get rid of ED.
I just want to be well and healthy, build a future. A real one, not just a dream.
EVERYDAY poor Jeremy has to listen to me complain bout my aches. But..I really am in pain.
I think I should see another counsellor???
A counsellor needs minimun PhD. qualifications to become one. Which means, they study approximately 10 years. Then for the rest of their sorry ass life, they give physactratic treatments to well....basically....Physcos?
In the course of the past 2 years, minus this one, I've seen a total of 5 counsellors and one demon deliver aka pastor. haha.
It must be why I'm more mad than before? I finally understand why people joke and say that a PhD. holder has a Permenant Head Damage. In this case..its well and proved to be truer than true =l bugger it...
I'm so *goddammit* too damn fucking busy being ED's girlfriend; I forgot how to be Jeremy's girlfriend.
I'm ashamed and downright guilty of foul play! I swear I don't mean it..but how can I help myself anymore? I was and have been busy making a life with ED was before I even knew Jeremy's existance! Oh Lord! How can I erase a past of FIVE whole years and try replace it with a mere 2 to 3 months?
I'm sad. Deep within I want to be without ED. I want to get rid of ED.
I just want to be well and healthy, build a future. A real one, not just a dream.
EVERYDAY poor Jeremy has to listen to me complain bout my aches. But..I really am in pain.
I think I should see another counsellor???
A counsellor needs minimun PhD. qualifications to become one. Which means, they study approximately 10 years. Then for the rest of their sorry ass life, they give physactratic treatments to well....basically....Physcos?
In the course of the past 2 years, minus this one, I've seen a total of 5 counsellors and one demon deliver aka pastor. haha.
It must be why I'm more mad than before? I finally understand why people joke and say that a PhD. holder has a Permenant Head Damage. In this case..its well and proved to be truer than true =l bugger it...
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
my last resort
So I guess this is how it feels like to be in a relationship again. I cannot blog on my usual blog and I sure need a hell lots of unloading to do. So where else but here. This should do for now.
FInally the initial stage of over excitement and fluttery feelings of a spanking brand new relationship is over. Well maybe just for me. I don't know how Jeremy feels about it. I think I have lost my touch in just KNOWING how someone feels. Or is it just that he is my boyfriend that I get a little more anxious and try not to judge it? I am guessing that it is the latter however.
I won't say I am not excited or not happy that I am with him. Nor do I mean that I want out or anything of such. I just wonder...why somedays i feel like I don't belong???
I can't even gather my toughts on this matter thats bugging me all over; left right, up down and center.
This is spastic, but i need to.
I think I don't know how to love anymore. I am unsure. Although I may DO alot for him and put in hell alot of effort, and on top of it all, decided that I should be his mating partner, I don't know if inside me, in the depts of my heart; if I know how to love. Maybe I'm just impatient. Only time can answer all my questions. But I guess I don't want to waste time? I want to date the fella I'm to marry? *smacks head*
Oh God! Could it be ANY harder? I am already at that age....where if I do not really begin to plan or make firm decisions, I will end up with a too ordinary life. One that is way lacking of my potential and talents God blessed me with.
In all honesty; sometimes I worry that Jeremy is not what I'm suited for. Our lifes are so different. And such great and vast comparisons in our upbringing. Is it just trials on us or is it just not the one? I think I'm beginning to sound silly; but did mom&dad ever DOUBT, the entire time they dated? How did thay know from the start that they were meant for each other? Oh bugger it!
What's WORSE and MOST CHILDISH that I'm encountering now in this relationship is some kind of weird child-lik emotions. Some thing people grow out of, but I have not. I experience pangs of EVIL and much HATED feelings of JEALOUSY!
Pure 100% GREEN ENVY!
Of WHO? Now this part is going to sound so fucking dumb I am ashamed of myself.
Of who? Of Everyone else who gets his FREE time other than ME.
Family not included..cause family is important and I do love the fact that he takes care of his family well.
Other than that...its just every small lil shit ass thing that I will curl up and fuck myself in the head.
The feeling of insecurity and "what if's"..........
To make matters worse..mom&dad ain't helpin one bit. But THAT'S another whole story on its own.
bottomline is...
I love Jeremy very much. I don't want to loose him either. And if I ever did..I think I'll be spinster for life.
But God please help me!
FInally the initial stage of over excitement and fluttery feelings of a spanking brand new relationship is over. Well maybe just for me. I don't know how Jeremy feels about it. I think I have lost my touch in just KNOWING how someone feels. Or is it just that he is my boyfriend that I get a little more anxious and try not to judge it? I am guessing that it is the latter however.
I won't say I am not excited or not happy that I am with him. Nor do I mean that I want out or anything of such. I just wonder...why somedays i feel like I don't belong???
I can't even gather my toughts on this matter thats bugging me all over; left right, up down and center.
This is spastic, but i need to.
I think I don't know how to love anymore. I am unsure. Although I may DO alot for him and put in hell alot of effort, and on top of it all, decided that I should be his mating partner, I don't know if inside me, in the depts of my heart; if I know how to love. Maybe I'm just impatient. Only time can answer all my questions. But I guess I don't want to waste time? I want to date the fella I'm to marry? *smacks head*
Oh God! Could it be ANY harder? I am already at that age....where if I do not really begin to plan or make firm decisions, I will end up with a too ordinary life. One that is way lacking of my potential and talents God blessed me with.
In all honesty; sometimes I worry that Jeremy is not what I'm suited for. Our lifes are so different. And such great and vast comparisons in our upbringing. Is it just trials on us or is it just not the one? I think I'm beginning to sound silly; but did mom&dad ever DOUBT, the entire time they dated? How did thay know from the start that they were meant for each other? Oh bugger it!
What's WORSE and MOST CHILDISH that I'm encountering now in this relationship is some kind of weird child-lik emotions. Some thing people grow out of, but I have not. I experience pangs of EVIL and much HATED feelings of JEALOUSY!
Pure 100% GREEN ENVY!
Of WHO? Now this part is going to sound so fucking dumb I am ashamed of myself.
Of who? Of Everyone else who gets his FREE time other than ME.
Family not included..cause family is important and I do love the fact that he takes care of his family well.
Other than that...its just every small lil shit ass thing that I will curl up and fuck myself in the head.
The feeling of insecurity and "what if's"..........
To make matters worse..mom&dad ain't helpin one bit. But THAT'S another whole story on its own.
bottomline is...
I love Jeremy very much. I don't want to loose him either. And if I ever did..I think I'll be spinster for life.
But God please help me!
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
You actually look very handsome here.... =) I like.. ALL MINE!
Friday, July 20, 2007
Starbucks all over again =)
don't let go!
My boyfriend so handsomeee...this hairstyle makes him hotter samoreee!
"What!What are you doing Jody!!" thinks Jeremy.
"whattttt!!!"
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