So I've started Physcology. Dr Paul Jambunathan.
Wonderful doctor. "Wonderful" price too though.

Dr.Siti..she does the physical check. Medical side of the story.
I've got my vital signs checked and was told my blood pressure is low.
I got a blood test done a week after, and was told that my potassium is low.
That's what's causing the weakness in my arms, legs and even heart -__-
She said that the normal level was to be between 3.5 to 5.0 or something like that.
Mine read 3.0. She said I was lucky that morning because if had it read any lower, I would have been admitted right away. So it seems that the potassium level isn't the same everyday. She also mentioned that I should be in the ward and the reason why I was not admitted was cus I was still walking, talking and breathing. What a sad thing to say!

Then I go see my dietitian, Mimi. Who tells me that oily food makes me vomit cause I cant't digest it. AND that she is happy for me to stay at 44kgs if I did it the healthy way. Yay to THAT so far. And that I need to drink juice twice a day to increase my potassium, vitamins and collagen. Juice twice a day is damn yum I must admit but at the same time ...F-ing scary! Its like sugar shot right into your blood stream. Then you get hungry again soon, then you need to eat...which means, more sugare, fat, protein, carbs..and everything you want eliminited from your body! *sigh*

Anyhow.
I feel like fuck. I don't know if I am wasting mom and dad's money, and everybody's time or if I really am gona get well. I feel hungry alll the fucking time and the more I feed this hunger, the more i take the pills that are killing me. The doctors and the dietitian have all said that they don't expect me to stop taking the pills. Not now at least. But what;s mind boggling is; if the pills are the very thing causing the low potassium level, how can it be okay on their standards for now?What if I did a run of a few days with very little food and a huge anount of pills. I will end up like that time. Losing a kg a day and bed ridden for a week. Of course that is less possible now because I go to college and need energy so I eat more. But that aside. What happens when the holiday's come round? I will be paralized with fear once again.

Somehow I think this is not working. Honestly.
It doesnt help that mom, dad or Jeremy has failed to realise that it had little to do with the way I look or the way I seem to make it be about my weight. I complain, but of coure I would! But then they go and comment on my looks, weight, bony-ness, skeletn like, etc etc. And then try be a therapist. Or do some physotic reverse physcology on me. *sigh*

SOmetimes I think I dont even understand myself enough to expresess it to the doc. How then can he evaluate me properly? He would have thought "Oh ok so THAT's the problem", but it could be more to it than just Dad's controlling ways. I know mom is very concerned after my near black out the day before christmas. She did mention "you almost didn't make it that time" in a very serious almost angry tone. Which make me jolt to my senses a lil bit.

I am afraid and I am hungry all the time.
But I don't want to be afraid and i don't want to be hungry all the time.

I constantly sit under the hottest possible shower I can for as long as it taks for the coldness to be driven out of my bones. Some nights I rub the Cool Heat in right after shower cause the ace is to great to brear. Its as if I'm really an old lady. I cry when I can't seem to get the pain out, I cry when I can't control myself from the food and then the pills; which makes me nuseated often. Especially fi I had just had an oily meal. I'm confused. I just want to be beautiful. Most beautiful, I fear that when I get well I will just be average lke everybody else. And that I won; be special anymore. Who would notice I was alive then? Only if I were dying would thay take notice and try prevent it. Right?

Sometimes I think that my mind is warped. But I doubt my own mind often. So, as of now I want to agree with the latter. I am ok. Totally.

I hope.