again...

47kgs!!! how can! damit!

fucking hell. I KNEW IT! all that..."once more only" just doesn't work cause it's ALWAYS gonna be "just once more + just once more = FAT"
*ugh*

Doesn't help that some peolpe are smaller than me and some shrinking :(
I can't take this pressure to stay skinny. But you know; I can't loose face right? And I can't let ME down. By the end of this year I would have been so acomplished that a fat-girl image just won't fit in. I have 2kgs to loose and RAYA is tomorrow -.- What timing... Lucky I started a "food" fast yesterday. My hunger pangs have subsided and in control now. I hope I don't have to resort to pills again. Not that I have stopped entirely, I just have reduced.

But you know...McDonald's, KFC, Nandos and mamak rice and laksa and curry all sounds so yummy and tastes even better when the flavours bursts in your mouth. Oh well....

Pictures Jeremy took;
30th Sept = I had skinny arms and sharp face features
6th Oct = I still had skinny arms....


Now...12th October...I'm like Universal Award Winner for Fatty Chick -.-
I'm getting more and more insecure. I am getting less and less confortable with this body and I am covering myself more and more....well....yeah...I think I'm imune to the pain from the pills and the body doesn't respond so well anymore.....That means...If I don't watch it I will really turn into a fatty. Like a MEGA MEGA FAT one..

-____-


I think I'm loosing my mind.
Lucky I took my baking seriously yesterday and baked and baked and baked.
I need to keep my mind off "us". It's not the best of things to ponder on.
I either end up with some kind of assumption and conclude the worst. Thus, feeling like fuck later on. But...could you blame me?
I don't think so.

=(

I want to be 40kgs! I will worry no more ever again! EVERRRRRRR.....................................
ARGH FUCKING HELL IN THIS BLACK HOLEEEE FUCK FUCK FUCK............