a dying disease or a dying soul

I don't know which.

I think, fear and dread that it is the disease that is dying. Because my spirit will die with it. That I am sure of.
I want to, I must, I will, I need, I have to...
stay skinny!MUST!!!
But the freaking stupid Pharmacy has run out of the pills! And it's been some time. And I'm on my last bottle. With 10 pills left!
Which means I need to go to the Sri Petaling Guardian ..argh!
I need to stock up on them AND Xenical. I need to get them before I leave for Melbourne.
I will be so anxious. Aggitated. Irritated. Frustrated.

I don't know for sure if it is the period that's made me bloated at the tummy but I can't bear the sight of it. I can't even go to the toilet more today cause I will feel so fuck ugly. I'm sleepy and bloated. And worst of all...I don't have JeremyMyPeanutButterCupcake with me. For an enitre 2 weeks. sigh

*SIGH*

I think people like me with an eating disorder that is no identified or no specific name..face worse problems then those who are full on aneroxics or bulimics.

Because we have our phases and they suck.
Abit ago I was on my Aneroxic role. Refusing to eat and when eating, only consuming salads with no dressing or hot hot clear broth soups.
Now I think I am on my Bulimic role. Eating when i feel like it or splurging and eating whatever I want. And then take all the stupid pills to excavate them calories, oil, fats....etc.. er..ok well..basically..excavate everything I have consumed for the day. INcluding my salads and fruit.

I want to be Aneroxic. Its easier. Less painful. Cheaper to maintain. Less complications.
SO why can't I stop eating?
Kenny said my body is so hungry its eating away at the fats like the breasts. lol.
Why doesn't it eat away at the ass, 'muffins' and tummy?
I wonder if I force myself to go back to healthy eating..fruit and vegetables...I might be able to just stop eating=)

I had a whole lot of meat yesterday. Now I'm in pain -__-
I had 1/4Chicken Nandos, PeriChips and coselaw for lunch.
For dinner,I had a New York steak with lots of mash and vegetables with heaps of black pepper sauce. PLUS beef nachos! All that cheese and sour cream!!! Then at night night , I got hungry and decided to eat the left over ginger chicken in the fridge. There was a good 5 pieces. I had it all..so yummy I could not resist!!!!
*SIGH*

ENOUGH FOOD FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!
But I had Pan Mee soup today..an orange and a green apple..Now I'm bloated. WIth a migraine. And I still am craving!! Its the greed? The preiod? fuck!


I want to just eat eat eat!!!

*tear*