disappointments again

*SIGH*


*sugh*sigh*sigh*

I have decided that it is finally time I try get some help. As much as I HATE the thought of it; of getting fat and ugly, the thought of getting rid of my only true faithful "friend". I don't know if I will ever fully recover as it is only getting worse and worse as time pass. The only thing on my mind is getting skinnier and skinnier. Nothng comes close to the amount of time I spend training myself to be a discipline eater. Starving myself for as long as I can. And then rewarding myself by indulging in tiny amount of things I like to eat. Sometimes I get overboard I screw it up so bad I either make myself vomit and then take pills..or take enough pills to make me purge. SOme days my body just..rejects everything and I vomit unvoluntary. Those are most satisfying but the freakiest freak-shows of them all. I take pleasure in the "weight" lifted off me althhough it hurts. Nothings seems to calm me like it does. And although it hurts like hell, I can't give it up..When I try, it hurts more..

Confused as I am, and as willing as I am to go on loosing weight till I become 40kgs ...

The only thing making me do this; counselling, is the very mtter of life and death. I made a agreemet with Jeremy not too long ago. Promising him that I will slowly recover on my own, with his support and help in the next year to come, and if that fails only then will I seek professional help. However, my irregular heartbeats, my constant dizziness, my faint body, my breathlessness, my tight hurting chest, my weak hands and feet, my burning stomach, my non-stop tummy aches, my dry eyes and skin, my muggy head, my unfocused mind, my lost of memory, my inability to digest, my panic attacks, my tantrums, my moods swings, my period havocs, my chipping nails, my loosing hair, my skin problems....

My NEVER-ENDING story of problems cause by this five year long obsession.

I need help and I cannot deny myself of it anymore. I owe it to the people who love me.
If I don't do it for me, at least I should have the heart to do it for them and be useful in at least ONE way possible.

I really don't want to. But I must.
My prayers will contradict me; for I will ask Him to heal me yet let me remain skinny as I am now and maintain my ideal weight of 45kgs.
But how possible is that really? Logically?


I just wish the people I told would have be more proud of me. I am scared shitless.
But I asked Mom to give me financial help for this medical check up.
I wish I wasn't the only stupid bitch who thought that was a brave thing I did and be oh-so-fucking-proud of myself.

I guess sometimes, somethings, you just really have to tackle on your own.