Of a confused mind...

If I can feel, why can't I cry it all out?

Too cold, too numb, too broken.

It's not the time of the month where my period comes; oh wait, I don't know when it'll come. Its screwed.

I'm not depressed; oh wait, maybe that's the dryness in my mouth.

I'm not sucidal. I certainaly am not.

Maybe I'm bored with life? But how could it be? I've got so many dreams; so much to achieve; so much to see; so much to do..kids to have =l *blink*

No, life is full of things to do and be joyous about. There too much beauty in it to give up now. Too much effort and strength I've put in to pull out now.

I'm just very lonely.

I'm alone. And lonely.

I especially cannot handle being the only one left at home when all mom and dad does it argue about bits and pieces, talk bout investment, discuss Joy and Jason, B&P Ministires...and everything else under the bleeding sun and moon. Yet have no time to actually get to know the daughter they lost years ago.

piew!!!

I should go get my license!

I should also STOP saying "I should" and just get it done.

Then that way I can do whatever I want, whenever I want and go wherever I want when it suits me and pleases me. And I will never have to listen to mom complain about the jam and then sleep for hours on end, only to wake up to play her Soduko or talk about Jason-whom-she-cannot-live-without.

Neither do I ever have to listen to dad say things like "Mom fetch you ah?Wahhhhhhh."

errrr...I can't drive? Duh Mom fetched me.

And all that other irritating things they like to say and complain about.

And assumptions...oh those assumptions.

I bet mom thought I was "down" last night cause I Jeremy didn't make it to come play lentern with me. I SWEAR she thought that. In actual fact I was trying to pull a straight face to not die from those missed heart beats and that sharp pain in my belly and the tight chest. Oh for crying out loud; I was pratically gasping for bloody oxygen!!

Ugh.

I think I have alot of bitterness, anger and hurt inside I need to rid myself of.

I need to unstone this heart perhaps?

Soon one day.

Hopefully.