my last resort

So I guess this is how it feels like to be in a relationship again. I cannot blog on my usual blog and I sure need a hell lots of unloading to do. So where else but here. This should do for now.

FInally the initial stage of over excitement and fluttery feelings of a spanking brand new relationship is over. Well maybe just for me. I don't know how Jeremy feels about it. I think I have lost my touch in just KNOWING how someone feels. Or is it just that he is my boyfriend that I get a little more anxious and try not to judge it? I am guessing that it is the latter however.

I won't say I am not excited or not happy that I am with him. Nor do I mean that I want out or anything of such. I just wonder...why somedays i feel like I don't belong???

I can't even gather my toughts on this matter thats bugging me all over; left right, up down and center.

This is spastic, but i need to.

I think I don't know how to love anymore. I am unsure. Although I may DO alot for him and put in hell alot of effort, and on top of it all, decided that I should be his mating partner, I don't know if inside me, in the depts of my heart; if I know how to love. Maybe I'm just impatient. Only time can answer all my questions. But I guess I don't want to waste time? I want to date the fella I'm to marry? *smacks head*

Oh God! Could it be ANY harder? I am already at that age....where if I do not really begin to plan or make firm decisions, I will end up with a too ordinary life. One that is way lacking of my potential and talents God blessed me with.

In all honesty; sometimes I worry that Jeremy is not what I'm suited for. Our lifes are so different. And such great and vast comparisons in our upbringing. Is it just trials on us or is it just not the one? I think I'm beginning to sound silly; but did mom&dad ever DOUBT, the entire time they dated? How did thay know from the start that they were meant for each other? Oh bugger it!


What's WORSE and MOST CHILDISH that I'm encountering now in this relationship is some kind of weird child-lik emotions. Some thing people grow out of, but I have not. I experience pangs of EVIL and much HATED feelings of JEALOUSY!

Pure 100% GREEN ENVY!

Of WHO? Now this part is going to sound so fucking dumb I am ashamed of myself.
Of who? Of Everyone else who gets his FREE time other than ME.
Family not included..cause family is important and I do love the fact that he takes care of his family well.

Other than that...its just every small lil shit ass thing that I will curl up and fuck myself in the head.
The feeling of insecurity and "what if's"..........

To make matters worse..mom&dad ain't helpin one bit. But THAT'S another whole story on its own.





bottomline is...

I love Jeremy very much. I don't want to loose him either. And if I ever did..I think I'll be spinster for life.
But God please help me!