Oh Lord!! Oh Lord??

If kingdoms bown down and prise Your name. Sing worship to You. Pray in power and faith to You.


And if kingdoms turn to see; Your love is the greatest gift of all and ALL and ONLY love they can depend on;
WHY can't ONE small person such as I turn to see that?

That Your love is ALL I should ever depend on?
Ever.

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Trails of disappointment.
Disappointment after after disappointment.

What they say is not what they mean and yet somehow I blindly chose to believe.
Or am I just paranoid?
SOmehow I believe I am NOT. Not THIS time.

I am worried sick and I haven't an escape from this Eating Disorder.
I am SICK SICK SICK of being SICK!
What is life in living a life full of worries and pain?
I can't put in a thing without thinking "Oh God I've sinned!"
Or if I decided I'll be good and eat NORMALLY; I'd take so many pills I can't breathe. Or end up vomiting the next day. Or Worrying I'll drop cold out due to irregular heart beats. Or black out walking up the stairs or in the hot shower.
Or even if I had a normal meal and not take those pills...I'll be worried sick of its aftermath.

I'm beginning to worry. If I may please be ALLOWED to worry. Or need I ask permission from those around me????

I never fear it this much until now.
My period has come as and when it pleased the last four times.
I am ALWAYS ut of breath.
My chest is constantly hurting.
And I always miss a heart beat or have my heart beating too fast.

My heart is not focuse on anything anymore and I've frankly lost interest in life as a whole. I'm just too tired to care.
Tonight I feel this deep urge inside of me, waiting to ball out. I want to cry and let loose my fears.
But who's there to catch it? Noone. Noone I thought can depend on.

But God is always there ready to hold me close...so why can't I get near?
I know I must and I know its m only answer.
Do I have to give up much more?
I don't know.


I don't know much.
I just know I'm too ashamed to draw near to You.
But Lord I need help so very desperately.
PLEASE hold me while I cry myself dry tonight??? Its been too long away.

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I feel weird talking to God like this.
I guess its the only way to sum up this mixed feelings I've had.
So much to say, so little words to put it together.
So much emotions, so little energy to show it.

I need sleep. A good one.