For The Sake of Insecurities?

ok so on normal days I try eat like this............ if i could and survive the aches AND work AND pretending to be ok in front of them parents...










but I know better than that cause my body is getting skinnier and skinnier...I feel it in the bed.
I sleep on one side and have the need to roll over to the other side.
Soon enough the sores get to that side too, and I roll over again.
When I can take it no more I lie on my back...but THAT hurts to..
so I try to lie on my chest.
By then, I'm exhausted and my insides would have gotten enough exercise to allow my bowel movements to begin.

So I go sit on the throne and excavate my entire beings out...ugh...and THAT takes a good...30 minutes to an hour.....
Then It's back to bed rolling.
No wonder my body gave in the last two days.
















Then I go examine my body.
Stark naked in front of the mirror...
Early in the morning.
I see my hip bones jutting out without me even trying anymore;
and I am glad!
and I feel relifed..
and I feel the overwhelming sense of achievement...as painful as the process had been and as much sufering I had to endure, it somehow feels...

WORTH IT........ ???? does it?











AT 45kgs, I scare myself and the kind of joy I pleasure myself in.
I worry.

I cannot concentrate, my eyes don't focus on anything for more than a minute, my eye bags constantly burn burn burnnnn....
My brain feels like as if it's being squeezed of its juices, I feel aloof, floaty and all dreamy...
My bones crack like an old woman's, I get sharp pains like as if getting arthiritist, I go numb if I don't move a limb for a minute....
My heart rate goes up by 10 notches if I stood up, walked over to the table and picked up the newspaper.....
I am out of breath after climbing the flight of stairs at home...it's worse if I'd just eaten or am carrying something...
I am constantly getting gastric, and savoury cravings....


and there's more...


I've even finally lost count of my pains and problems.
I think I bore them all to hell when I tell them bout it.

I've quit smoking cause I'm too weak to take the dizziness.


Oh heavens on earth...

At 45kgs, I thought I'd finally be happy...but ...
I still think I'm just too big.
I just want to be thinner.
MUCH MUCH THINNER>

And I know I've made so many promises about getting well,
but secretly inside me,
deep down,
I dare not..

I JUST WANT TO GET THINNER!