Now what?

What happens when it comes down to this?

My ED is out of control. Its taken control of me.
The boyfriend is busy at work; I cannot blame him for which.
And the parents are oblivious to the situation as much.

I'm feeling very insecure and more so fragile; now more than ever.
I burst into lil fits of tears and think I'm gonna die. Well, I feel like I want to at that moment. And somtimes it lasts for long periods, sometimes not so long. But it's been happening more and more. And what's SCARIEST is the constant worry that the boyfriend will leave me one day because of this.

And it sure as hell does not help that the ex of the boyfriend is looking pretty hot. He might begin to crave the comfort of what he used to have, such freedom of the mind without a burden. @__@

I think I'm going insane. It's not my place to judge nor is it my right to mistrust the boyfriend. He's not done anything to gain nor loose the trust. Its indifferent still. One day he surely will get tired of my ever changing moods, unexpected bursts and uncontrolable insanity.

I just don't understand how or why he would stay for long if it's going to take almost forever to make me wake up from this disaster? He say's because he loves me. Great. I love that fact, but still I cannot comprehend. I don't think I can. I don't know how to let anyone love me, not till I begin to love myself. This; so I was told. The harsh reality is that.

Not only is this idiocy taking a toll on my body, but my mind too. I cannot even to being express the fear I have in me. One thing's for sure; I fear being lonely and I hate loosing. So; childish as this may seem. Stupid as it may be. This is the unfortunate truth of my very warped thinking :

If I became the hottest/most beautiful/prettiest/most desirable; he'll never have to look at another girl. And I have to; because its my job to, make sure that I do not loose to the ex or his past flames and interests.

But when will tihis all stop?
I would like to know. Because its getting scarier and scarier. How long more can I hide this from mom and dad. Soon they will realise "No shes not vomiting cus shes pregnant or having a diarreah cus of the chilli and curry." Its impossible. And soon mom will also realise that "Oh its not her smoking that made her get the headaches etc etc; cus she's stopped.." They WILL begin to question. But will they do anything? I doubt. AND secretely inside, I feel reliefed.

And as I lay on the couch cryingvI thought to myself; "What if someone was daring enough to take it up to my parents and point it out to them?''

Will I go mad? A little I think. BUt somewhere inside inside inside inside inside...deep deep down..I think ONE cell said, YES PLEASE DO TELL THEM. And the rest of my body, mind and soul is fighting that.

Most of the time I think I want to push the limits and let it get soooo bad; just so I could punish someone. And myself for the lack of determination. Or to make the sickness worth its while. Because...whats the point of having a disorder if its not bad enought to get hospitilized right? What would people say? "She was just playing around and fooling us all for the attention." Probably would happen that way. Crazy as it seems, I do wonder how it feels lke to be hospitilized and forced to get well.

*sigh*

I think I've got ED-Brain Diarrea. I shouldn't even be typing this out. I hope I can trust YOU enough to keep this to yourself for as long as you can. Till I'm nearly broken. Sorry =(